Intro and Background

I am a woman in my mid-30's who has been married for over 10 years. I have 2 elementary-aged children. My husband, Ricky, and I met when I was in my early 20's - we dated for 6 months before moving in together and were married 3 years later.

He had been married once before but this is my first marriage. We have a bit of an age difference - something that was an issue for him at the beginning of our courtship but never for me.

I've always felt that we were compatible. I'm organized and perhaps a little bossy and he is mellow and has always been confident and tolerant enough to handle someone with a strong personality who is happiest when she has things "under control". We share many interests and have similar life goals, morals and beliefs.

I'd always dreamed of being married and having children. I have an education (receiving my Bachelor's degree before I was even old enough to consume alcohol (legally, anyway!)) but wanted nothing more than to successfully carry the job title of WIFE and MOM. Our wedding was beautiful and the first few years of our marriage, wonderful.

There has only ever been one real thing that we have argued about and that is the amount of time Ricky spends at work. I respect that he has, what I've always termed, a 'strong work ethic'. His Father abandoned his Mother (and their 5 kids) and Ricky watched her work 2 jobs in an attempt to support her children. I know that providing for his family (something his Dad neglected to do) is extremely important to him. I have always tried very hard to be understanding of the various corporate positions he's held and the resulting responsibilities but have felt that he carries things too far and doesn't have reasonal boundaries. He is never able to say "no" to work and constantly places its importance above that of his family. He can (and often has/does) put in 60 hour weeks Monday-Friday and still feel the need to go in over the weekend. We have rarely taken a vacation that was not work-related or didn't include his Blackberry, laptop or cell phone. I have never been able to rely on him to get home when he says he will. He regularly, once he realizes that he's later than he said he would be, will not call me and/or ot accept my phone calls when I make them in an attempt to locate him. This, of course, has only added to my frustration and feelings of disrespect and rejection. I can't count the number of nights I've prepared dinner to be ready at the time he promised he'd be home and have ended up throwing it out or putting it in the refrigerator 2, 3, 4, 5 or more hours later when he didn't show up for it. I'm not generally one to just shut her mouth and not stand up and speak when she feels she's being treated poorly and I've definitely made my feelings known over the years. I've tried talking about it rationally, crying, yelling, begging, pleading, bargaining - nothing has changed his behaviors, though.

I don't feel angry but I am sure that I have issues with resentment. I've come to accept that he values his work/career more than me and my children - but it hurts nonetheless. I have often felt that I am "settling" - accepting less from my marriage than I feel I deserve. I suppose I rationalize it, though, by telling myself (and everyone else) that he is a good person and he is "just working". It's not like he's out at the bars or running around chasing women etc...

The fact is - we have 2 children. We married and made what I see to be a very important commitment to each other - for better or for worse. I have tried to talk to him about the things that make me unhappy (which I simply don't see as healthy - for him personally or our family/marriage) and he constantly wavers between saying that knows I'm right and that he'll try harder and saying that he's not doing anything wrong. Who divorces their husband and tears apart their family simply because he "works too much"? Over the years, it has just become one of those things that I have "accepted I cannot change" and I have made conscious efforts to try to get over it and direct my efforts towards raising my children.