Working The Program

I sometimes find myself feeling envious of Ricky's SA Meetings and his SA "buddies". He shares with them so much more than he shares with me. I understand the comaraderie and fellowship he feels (and needs) with others who have "been where he was" but I can't help but feel a bit left out. No - I am not an addict - I haven't "been where he was" - but I am a thoughtful, kind, patient, accepting and understanding person. Even more importantly - I'm his wife. I'm the person who was affected most by his addiction and I don't feel it's unreasonable for me to wish to know what he is learning and how he is growing and changing his thinking.

Ricky has been emotionally stunted and even emotionally absent for years and now that he is finally learning to be open and honest about his past, his feelings, his insecurities and his fears, is it wrong for me to want to be a part of that?

I'm thrilled that he is doing well with the program. Like I've said in earlier blogs - he has missed fewer than a handful of meetings in the 11.5 months since he started attending them. He is committed to confronting his addiction and I'm incredibly pleased about that and amazed at the changes I've already seen in him. I never discourage the meetings (regardless of how disruptive they are to our family life - 5 days/week) because I know he needs them and benefits from them - and what benefits him, benefits the family. They just feel like a part of his life that is separate and secret. I am not a part of them and I'm not sure I like that. I've had enough of the separate and secret.

The other morning, he casually mentioned to me that he had finished his 4th step and that he will start his 5th later this week. Hmph. I knew he was working on a step as, a few weeks ago, he mentioned it and said that it was very difficult and emotional for him . That's all I was told, though. I had to look up the SA steps online just so that I could know what it is that he is working on! (Step 4, for those as in the dark as I was, is "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." and step 5 is "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.")

Are all people working the program this private? Is it my duty to just back off and allow him space? Do I have any right to want to be included? Or should the fact that he is working hard at it be enough?

9 Months?

It's been 9 months since I last posted. Where does the time go? I've come to this blog a few times - prepared to write a post - but, for whatever reason, haven't.

We are nearing Ricky's 1-year "anniversary" of sobriety. I am certainly proud of the fact that he has made such progress. He continues to see his therapist twice each month. Our lives revolve around his SA meetings - he is still very committed to them and has missed only about a handful over the past year. He is continuing to work his steps (albeit privately) and is making obvious efforts to deal with his abusive past, improve his communication, and increase time spent with his family.

It's a constant struggle, though. He has to work so hard to do things that most people just do - be honest and tell the truth, not feel persecuted, feel worthy, not behave defensively...

We have good times and bad ones. That is quite an improvement - a year ago at this time, we had only bad. He does slip into what I feel are dangerous ("middle circle") areas occasionally but is coming to recognize and realize them - with my help - easier and easier. Months ago, it'd take him until his next therapist appointment or the next day to see that he was slipping but now he can identify and take steps to stop it almost immediately.

I am struggling, however, with feeling connected to him. I feel almost like a physical wall is up between us - a neck-high wall. I think that I have dealt with the anger I once felt for him. I realized that it was to be expected, allowed myself to feel it and have (kindly and gently - for fear of negatively impacting his recovery) expresed it to him. I do not like what he has done to me, to our relationship and to our family but I feel strongly about letting go of resentment as it seems to be such a useless emotion. I think I'm afraid of him - afraid he will hurt me again. I want to be close but when he reaches for me, I involuntarily and immediately tense up. He's not complaining or saying anything or asking me "What's wrong?". God bless him - I think he just "knows" and is trying to offer to me some of the very patience and understanding he himself has required over the past 12 months. I hate being aware of this problem I am having but feeling helpless to change and/or fix it.

90 Days

Ricky considers himself "clean and on the road to recovery" for 90 days as of today. He last acted out on August 8th of this year but came home from his week of intense, in-patient therapy on the 14th of September. It wasn't until then that he felt he really had an understanding of what his issues and problems were and was committed to making changes in his life so that is his "anniversary day".

It's been a long road - and Lord knows we have a long way to go - but I'm proud of him.

A Close-Call?

I told Ricky last night that I was concerned about him. I let him know how I was feeling - what changes I was noticing in his behavior and that I missed the "connecton" I felt we'd had since his return from the in-patient facility. I made it clear that if he needed to talk, I was here and willing to listen. He was quiet for a few minutes but did open up finally and admit that he had indeed been having thoughts of "acting out".

Oh boy.

I had an inkling - but still wasn't 100% prepared, I guess, to hear it. This hit me like a brick. I was speechless for a minute (that felt like an hour) - trying to c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y find the right words to say. Inside I was screaming but I didn't want to yell or cry or give him any reason to lie about/justify/minimalize the truth or clam-up completely. Almost as soon as he admitted to what he'd been thinking about, though - before I even managed to reply - he struck out at me. That was what "the old Ricky" used to do. I recognize it for what it is now, though - deflection... I called him on it immediately and ended the conversation. I knew that he had his 2nd appointment with his new psychiatrist very soon and felt certain that the subject would come up.

Impressively, it didn't take that visit to the psych for Ricky to realize what had transpired. He apologized this morning and admitted that I was exactly right - that he was slipping and that I'd noticed and identified the signs before he even had any idea. He admitted to getting defensive and going on the attack and offered what seemed to be a sincere apology for the things he said last night.

As unsettling as this whole "almost slip" has been, I am encouraged. Just a few weeks ago, he'd never have admitted to being at fault for anything. He's so much more self-aware now than he used to be. Granted - it took me bringing this to his attention (and an unpleasant "episode") for him to see it - but at least he did. Old habits die hard, I suppose - he's trying to change the way he's seen and coped with things for 40 years...

"Progress, not perfection" - right?

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I have borrowed Rickys' Serenity Prayer and am repeating it to myself (over and over and over) these days...

Things had been going fairly smoothly since the news of his addiction entered our lives. He's been in his therapy - I've been in mine - and we've actually been communicating and getting along better than we have in years. I feel that he has been open and honest with me about things and, as painful as some of that honesty is for me to handle sometimes, I really appreciate it and feel that it has brought us closer.

For the past 10 days, though, he's been withdrawn - talking less, calling less, texting less - more like "the old Ricky" - cranky, distant and non-communicative. The stress at his job has been mounting as well. These things combined concern me tremendously. Am I being paranoid? Hyper-sensitive? We've identified that feelings of inadequacy and the need to "prove himself worthy" at work are definite triggers for acting out. Too - he's admitted that he pulls away as he's preparing to or in the midst of acting out. I just can't shake this feeling...

Ethel (my therapist) reminded me this morning that I cannot be and am not responsible for his recovery. She recommended that I (as non-acrimoniously as possible) mention my fears and worries to him and let him know that I'm here if he wants to talk. I plan to do just that.

The Porn Police

I am not the "policing" type. That's not to say that I have never been - I certainly wouldn't have been above "snooping" or checking up on a boyfriend while in, say, my early 20's. At almost 40, though, it's just not something that I want or have any urge to do. I don't want to check his phone. Or his computer. Or make him account for every penny he takes out of our bank accounts.

I have told Ricky that I have no desire to be his "porn police". I want him to stop the destructive behavior he's been participating in for so long - without a doubt. I want him to stop because he wants to, though - not because he's afraid I'll find out or that he'll get caught. My wish for him (for us) is that he be healthy, strong and courageous and that he take care of the heartache and dysfunction that is inside of him so that he no longer is tempted to give into the addiction.

I realize, though, that accountability is part of recovery from a sexual addiction. Ricky and I have decided on a few things together...

• He will bring home copies of hotel bills when staying out of town on business. Paying for pornographic movies while away from home was something he, without my knowledge, spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on over the past few years.
  
• I do not wish, at this time, to put any software on our family computers that blocks material. I have, however, put an accountability program on the laptop used in the kitchen.
  
• He has taken his work laptop to have the hard-drive re-formatted and has traded it in for a desktop which will, obviously, stay at work. (He was bringing his work laptop home and using it to view porn at night after I went to bed - he knew better than to use mine!) Online activities are a big part of our lives and I don't wish to deny him computer use at home entirely so he's volunteered to only use the computer (mentioned above) with the accountability prograrm on it when he needs to.
  

One day at a time...

His, Mine and Ours

I am organized. I prefer order and for things to have explanations, to be rational and to make sense. I like to have a plan. I've had one, in fact, for as long as I can remember.

I have also, over the years of my life, grown to become a believer in the "shit happens" school of thought. I've been forced to accept that things aren't always predictable. Or fair. Or sensible. I have learned that you can take vitamins, visit your obstetrician regularly, eat well, take care of yourself and still end up giving birth to a child who has a neurological problem for which there is no cure. You can meet a mature adult man, spend years getting to know him, believe that you understand and know all there is to understand and know about him, think long and hard about entering into a marriage with him and still end up having your heart, love and trust disregarded and crushed by him 16 years later.

My husbands' sexual addiction was not in my plan.

It is certainly in my life now, though - a part of my every breath, word and thought. I cannot change or erase that fact (as much as I'd like to) so I am determined to deal with it. For that, I have devised a plan. I don't know if my plan is a good one or if it will work - but it is in place and I find comfort (as much comfort a I can feel these days) knowing that it is there.

His - Ricky needs help. He is going to transition from Fred - the MFT we've been seeing together - to a psychiatrist at the same practice. Fred feels that, while he has treated people with sex addictions before, it would be best for Ricky to see a doctor who has more years of schooling, more experience and the ability to prescribe anti-anxiety or anti-depression medications down the road (if necessary). Ricky is ready and willing and can't wait to get started. Thank heavens - as I don't think we'd still be together were he not. He's been informed that his therapy will be multi-faceted - that his childhood (the molestation, abuse etc.) will probably be addressed first. It's finally been acknowledged by him (through the psychotherapy at the SA program) but needs, still, to be dealt with and healthily "put away" in its place. He also has some serious self-esteem/self-worth/self-image issues to straighten out. Coping skills need to be learned and implemented in his daily life and his sexual addiction to be addressed. (An impressive to-do list!)

Mine - I am going to continue to see my MFT, Ethel. Without a doubt, I have issues that need to be addressed. I am working very hard on trying to really wrap my brain around what has happened - the how's, when's and the why's... I have to work on my self-esteem, learning to trust again, ridding myself of anger and resentment... Also, I think it essential that I remain emotionally healthy - not just for my own well-being - but for that of my children. My sweet, innocent little children...

Ours - Eventually (once we have ironed out our individual issues), we hope to enter couples' counseling together. We will need to work on re-building what (I thought) we once had. Restoration of trust will obviously be an important part of our therapy together as will improving our communication skills (empathic listening, outright honesty, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability), improved awareness of individual issues and emotions, forgiveness, dealing with sexual problems, establishing boundaries, improving intimacy (positive interactions, activities together, etc.), reducing defensiveness, and reducing shame.

We have a long way to go but at least we have a plan...