A Close-Call?

I told Ricky last night that I was concerned about him. I let him know how I was feeling - what changes I was noticing in his behavior and that I missed the "connecton" I felt we'd had since his return from the in-patient facility. I made it clear that if he needed to talk, I was here and willing to listen. He was quiet for a few minutes but did open up finally and admit that he had indeed been having thoughts of "acting out".

Oh boy.

I had an inkling - but still wasn't 100% prepared, I guess, to hear it. This hit me like a brick. I was speechless for a minute (that felt like an hour) - trying to c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y find the right words to say. Inside I was screaming but I didn't want to yell or cry or give him any reason to lie about/justify/minimalize the truth or clam-up completely. Almost as soon as he admitted to what he'd been thinking about, though - before I even managed to reply - he struck out at me. That was what "the old Ricky" used to do. I recognize it for what it is now, though - deflection... I called him on it immediately and ended the conversation. I knew that he had his 2nd appointment with his new psychiatrist very soon and felt certain that the subject would come up.

Impressively, it didn't take that visit to the psych for Ricky to realize what had transpired. He apologized this morning and admitted that I was exactly right - that he was slipping and that I'd noticed and identified the signs before he even had any idea. He admitted to getting defensive and going on the attack and offered what seemed to be a sincere apology for the things he said last night.

As unsettling as this whole "almost slip" has been, I am encouraged. Just a few weeks ago, he'd never have admitted to being at fault for anything. He's so much more self-aware now than he used to be. Granted - it took me bringing this to his attention (and an unpleasant "episode") for him to see it - but at least he did. Old habits die hard, I suppose - he's trying to change the way he's seen and coped with things for 40 years...

"Progress, not perfection" - right?

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I have borrowed Rickys' Serenity Prayer and am repeating it to myself (over and over and over) these days...

Things had been going fairly smoothly since the news of his addiction entered our lives. He's been in his therapy - I've been in mine - and we've actually been communicating and getting along better than we have in years. I feel that he has been open and honest with me about things and, as painful as some of that honesty is for me to handle sometimes, I really appreciate it and feel that it has brought us closer.

For the past 10 days, though, he's been withdrawn - talking less, calling less, texting less - more like "the old Ricky" - cranky, distant and non-communicative. The stress at his job has been mounting as well. These things combined concern me tremendously. Am I being paranoid? Hyper-sensitive? We've identified that feelings of inadequacy and the need to "prove himself worthy" at work are definite triggers for acting out. Too - he's admitted that he pulls away as he's preparing to or in the midst of acting out. I just can't shake this feeling...

Ethel (my therapist) reminded me this morning that I cannot be and am not responsible for his recovery. She recommended that I (as non-acrimoniously as possible) mention my fears and worries to him and let him know that I'm here if he wants to talk. I plan to do just that.