Working The Program

I sometimes find myself feeling envious of Ricky's SA Meetings and his SA "buddies". He shares with them so much more than he shares with me. I understand the comaraderie and fellowship he feels (and needs) with others who have "been where he was" but I can't help but feel a bit left out. No - I am not an addict - I haven't "been where he was" - but I am a thoughtful, kind, patient, accepting and understanding person. Even more importantly - I'm his wife. I'm the person who was affected most by his addiction and I don't feel it's unreasonable for me to wish to know what he is learning and how he is growing and changing his thinking.

Ricky has been emotionally stunted and even emotionally absent for years and now that he is finally learning to be open and honest about his past, his feelings, his insecurities and his fears, is it wrong for me to want to be a part of that?

I'm thrilled that he is doing well with the program. Like I've said in earlier blogs - he has missed fewer than a handful of meetings in the 11.5 months since he started attending them. He is committed to confronting his addiction and I'm incredibly pleased about that and amazed at the changes I've already seen in him. I never discourage the meetings (regardless of how disruptive they are to our family life - 5 days/week) because I know he needs them and benefits from them - and what benefits him, benefits the family. They just feel like a part of his life that is separate and secret. I am not a part of them and I'm not sure I like that. I've had enough of the separate and secret.

The other morning, he casually mentioned to me that he had finished his 4th step and that he will start his 5th later this week. Hmph. I knew he was working on a step as, a few weeks ago, he mentioned it and said that it was very difficult and emotional for him . That's all I was told, though. I had to look up the SA steps online just so that I could know what it is that he is working on! (Step 4, for those as in the dark as I was, is "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." and step 5 is "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.")

Are all people working the program this private? Is it my duty to just back off and allow him space? Do I have any right to want to be included? Or should the fact that he is working hard at it be enough?

9 Months?

It's been 9 months since I last posted. Where does the time go? I've come to this blog a few times - prepared to write a post - but, for whatever reason, haven't.

We are nearing Ricky's 1-year "anniversary" of sobriety. I am certainly proud of the fact that he has made such progress. He continues to see his therapist twice each month. Our lives revolve around his SA meetings - he is still very committed to them and has missed only about a handful over the past year. He is continuing to work his steps (albeit privately) and is making obvious efforts to deal with his abusive past, improve his communication, and increase time spent with his family.

It's a constant struggle, though. He has to work so hard to do things that most people just do - be honest and tell the truth, not feel persecuted, feel worthy, not behave defensively...

We have good times and bad ones. That is quite an improvement - a year ago at this time, we had only bad. He does slip into what I feel are dangerous ("middle circle") areas occasionally but is coming to recognize and realize them - with my help - easier and easier. Months ago, it'd take him until his next therapist appointment or the next day to see that he was slipping but now he can identify and take steps to stop it almost immediately.

I am struggling, however, with feeling connected to him. I feel almost like a physical wall is up between us - a neck-high wall. I think that I have dealt with the anger I once felt for him. I realized that it was to be expected, allowed myself to feel it and have (kindly and gently - for fear of negatively impacting his recovery) expresed it to him. I do not like what he has done to me, to our relationship and to our family but I feel strongly about letting go of resentment as it seems to be such a useless emotion. I think I'm afraid of him - afraid he will hurt me again. I want to be close but when he reaches for me, I involuntarily and immediately tense up. He's not complaining or saying anything or asking me "What's wrong?". God bless him - I think he just "knows" and is trying to offer to me some of the very patience and understanding he himself has required over the past 12 months. I hate being aware of this problem I am having but feeling helpless to change and/or fix it.