It's been 9 months since I last posted. Where does the time go? I've come to this blog a few times - prepared to write a post - but, for whatever reason, haven't.
We are nearing Ricky's 1-year "anniversary" of sobriety. I am certainly proud of the fact that he has made such progress. He continues to see his therapist twice each month. Our lives revolve around his SA meetings - he is still very committed to them and has missed only about a handful over the past year. He is continuing to work his steps (albeit privately) and is making obvious efforts to deal with his abusive past, improve his communication, and increase time spent with his family.
It's a constant struggle, though. He has to work so hard to do things that most people just do - be honest and tell the truth, not feel persecuted, feel worthy, not behave defensively...
We have good times and bad ones. That is quite an improvement - a year ago at this time, we had only bad. He does slip into what I feel are dangerous ("middle circle") areas occasionally but is coming to recognize and realize them - with my help - easier and easier. Months ago, it'd take him until his next therapist appointment or the next day to see that he was slipping but now he can identify and take steps to stop it almost immediately.
I am struggling, however, with feeling connected to him. I feel almost like a physical wall is up between us - a neck-high wall. I think that I have dealt with the anger I once felt for him. I realized that it was to be expected, allowed myself to feel it and have (kindly and gently - for fear of negatively impacting his recovery) expresed it to him. I do not like what he has done to me, to our relationship and to our family but I feel strongly about letting go of resentment as it seems to be such a useless emotion. I think I'm afraid of him - afraid he will hurt me again. I want to be close but when he reaches for me, I involuntarily and immediately tense up. He's not complaining or saying anything or asking me "What's wrong?". God bless him - I think he just "knows" and is trying to offer to me some of the very patience and understanding he himself has required over the past 12 months. I hate being aware of this problem I am having but feeling helpless to change and/or fix it.
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1 year ago
3 comments:
That wall has been there for me, too. Sometimes it feels two feet thick, and sometimes it feels like a piece of saran wrap. But it's there.
I think only time will bring down the walls. If that's possible. And more and more lately, I've come to believe it is.
I'm 15 months out, and things are good. Husband has been committed to recovery and doing therapy and 12 step groups since June 1st 2007 when I discovered his addiction.
What courage you have. Thanks for visiting my blog.
It was great to visit your blog. You have a lot of insight and hope to offer someone who is still in the middle of recovery.
I have a question... your husband realizes he is starting to slip. How does he do that? Does he tell you right away? Does he confide in others? I would be anxious to know how he stops himself.
Mrs. Jane Doe - I'm glad you are here. Regarding Ricky's "slipping" - he hasn't yet slipped in his behavior - but he has big issues with falling back into the mindset ("woe is me" - "nobody understands the pressure I'm under" - "no matter what I do at work, it's not enough" etc.) that often preceded his acting out in the past.
Months ago (after we both came to realize his addiction), he would make comments that I recognized as being preliminary to acting out. I'd bring it to his attention and he would deny it. Our "discussion" would inevitably end and I would feel totally frustrated that the insight he came back from his in-patient treatment with was gone and hopeless. Usually, it took his therapist (or others at his SA meetings) confirming that what I said was true in order for him to finally see it. As the months have passed, however, he has become much better at recognizing the warning signs himself - his mindset, withdrawing from the family etc... Honestly - nothing but time has helped him - time and my willingness/ability/commitment to bring it to his attention.
Does your husband admit to being an addict? Is he going to meetings? Working steps? Seeing a therapist?
My thoughts are with you both.
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