I sometimes find myself feeling envious of Ricky's SA Meetings and his SA "buddies". He shares with them so much more than he shares with me. I understand the comaraderie and fellowship he feels (and needs) with others who have "been where he was" but I can't help but feel a bit left out. No - I am not an addict - I haven't "been where he was" - but I am a thoughtful, kind, patient, accepting and understanding person. Even more importantly - I'm his wife. I'm the person who was affected most by his addiction and I don't feel it's unreasonable for me to wish to know what he is learning and how he is growing and changing his thinking.
Ricky has been emotionally stunted and even emotionally absent for years and now that he is finally learning to be open and honest about his past, his feelings, his insecurities and his fears, is it wrong for me to want to be a part of that?
I'm thrilled that he is doing well with the program. Like I've said in earlier blogs - he has missed fewer than a handful of meetings in the 11.5 months since he started attending them. He is committed to confronting his addiction and I'm incredibly pleased about that and amazed at the changes I've already seen in him. I never discourage the meetings (regardless of how disruptive they are to our family life - 5 days/week) because I know he needs them and benefits from them - and what benefits him, benefits the family. They just feel like a part of his life that is separate and secret. I am not a part of them and I'm not sure I like that. I've had enough of the separate and secret.
The other morning, he casually mentioned to me that he had finished his 4th step and that he will start his 5th later this week. Hmph. I knew he was working on a step as, a few weeks ago, he mentioned it and said that it was very difficult and emotional for him . That's all I was told, though. I had to look up the SA steps online just so that I could know what it is that he is working on! (Step 4, for those as in the dark as I was, is "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." and step 5 is "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.")
Are all people working the program this private? Is it my duty to just back off and allow him space? Do I have any right to want to be included? Or should the fact that he is working hard at it be enough?
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1 year ago
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I have a lot of the same questions you do when it comes to the recovery process. I know a lot of the steps can be difficult to share because they can be very hurtful to the ones the addict loves. When my husband was working on step 4 he didn't share any of inventory with me at all. Part of me was curious, but another part of me thinks of all the things I have seen all ready and how much hurt it has brought to me. I don't think I want to know more then what I all ready know.
I would agree with you on communicating though. It is true we haven't "been there" but in some sense we have. We have struggled through many hard times with our addicts. I think it is important to hear progress or even difficult times. I am still working on this with my husband. He has opened up a lot the past few weeks. I have been grateful and hope it continues. I also know that sometimes it is hard for his to share certain things.... like maybe when he is struggling. It is hard to admit when any person is weak. I know I don't like to openly admit it. In that regard, I am glad my husband has others to talk with. He hasn't had many people to confide in, but he is beginning to have a much larger support system then just me. I believe that is a good thing, but since other support then me is new, so I will have to see how it all plays out.
I have blabbered on enough...smile! I enjoy your blog! Thanks for coming back. I look forward to more!
Wifey, well, here's this addict's point of view... I don't tell my husband what is said in SA meetings, period. Whether they are about me or someone else. I do try to tell him some of what's going on with me, but right now, the hurt is still too fresh. That and there are things about my addiction that are from before him, and so, I feel have nothing to do with him. He may have been affected, because they contributed to my "acting out," but other than that, they have nothing to do with him. My husband too, is a bit jealous of the SA meetings, more because I'm- more often than not- the only female, and I'm telling my innermost thoughts to other males. I get that, but I can't help it that that's all I have to work with. :) That and now that I'm not in the thick of my "acting out" I am SOOOO NOT interested in anyone but my husband.
Anyway, I don't know that I'd say it's your job to back off, but I would say that focusing on his recovery is part of your own sickness. (codependency) I am all for full disclosure to our spouses. I have already done so, so that's not why I wouldn't share my moral inventory with him. That and he even does know most of that. However it would not help him or us as a couple for him to know the details at all. These moral inventories are not just about our sexual past, but also our emotional selves...we have to learn to face our negative emotions and all that... well I've left you a post, instead of a comment. Sorry. Be blessed and have a great day!
Thanks for the note, over-comer... I wouldn't say, exactly, that I "focus" on Rickys' recovery. I realize that this is his problem and that he has to work on healing himself (and I'm very thankful that he is making the effort). However - I want what is best for him, of course, and would never want to do anything to negatively impact his recovery. I appreciate your point of view - thanks for sharing it.
Well, my SA husband was supposedly "on the fast track" in recovery almost 2 years ago...but it wasn't genuine...
I WISH my H. was attending SA meetings 5 days a week (like J. doe's also/Jane, I wrote you a long comment on your blog & lost it! OY!)...Try to be grateful for that--it's HUGE...My h. goes to 1 a week maybe...& then other private SA stuff...
he REALLY needs SA & to work the steps...He's got 1 foot in 10 out in trying to get on the sobriety/recovery track...
I can relate to finding out after years of marriage--20! for me!
From my own experience as the addict, I can only suggest that you be patient just a while longer and be honest with your husband about your feelings, without being judgmental.
Long before I was married, I had issues believing that anyone who knew EVERYTHING about me could love me. For this reason, my honesty and openess with my husband has been very slow in coming.
Most addicts are driven by fear. We get some sense of safety within the 12 step programs because it feels for the first time that someone actually understands and accepts us -- even when we don't understand and accept ourselves.
I definitely relate to what you are saying about your husband's SA life being just as secretive and separated from you as his addiction was. I have thought about that myself. I have finished Steps 4 and 5, and shared my innermost secrets with another person -- but not with the man who is supposed to be my closest confidante. My disease cut me off from my husband all together, and one day at a time we are growing closer. Just like my recovery, however, the depth of my sharing with my husband has to come from not so much my willingness, but the understanding and acceptance of our Higher Power, that prepares my heart and his for further disclosure and intimacy.
You are right in your statement that what is helping your husband to grow is, no matter how invisibly, helping the family to grow. I hope you can find the patience to endure.
I feel exactly the same way - tired of damned secrets. Really tired. It seems like another to add to the pile.
He gets angry if I ask him about his meeting (he only goes once a week)- coming up to his 1 year with SLAA. He says he's not acted out with self or others since he got caught.
While I'm proud of him going - I begrudge the intimacy he has with others.
Isn't this all about lack of intimacy in the first place? So why are they not being intimate with us!
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