Definition

According to Dr. Patrick Carnes:

"Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment.

Sexual addiction has been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict's life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addicts' lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.

No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape, and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors."

I am still in shock. Less than 30 day ago, I was certain that my marriage was falling apart because of an emotionally and physically absent husband who placed his work before me and our children. That seems preferable, honestly, to what I am faced with now.

I've been reading and learning almost obsessively. Before the "diagnosis", I was looking into pornography addiction initially but am concentrating my research, now, on issues related to sexual addictions. Part of me wants - needs - desperately to understand why/how this happened but part of me wants to just take my kids and run away in an attempt to avoid the inevitable heartache I know I'm going to have to go through.

A World Turned Upside Down

I am emotionally drained. Where to start? During our therapy session with Fred today, we jumped right into the results of his assessment. He went over (with Ricky's permission) his answers to the questions posed. It was determined, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Ricky is indeed a sex addict. My head was - is - spinning with the news. I realize that the term is a general one defined as a "progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts" but, considering the fact that Ricky hasn't had sex with me (or anyone else, if he is to be believed) in close to a year and a half, the diagnosis seems a bit of an oxymoron.

Fred, without hesitation, suggested an intesive 5-day treatment program a hospital. Wow. Even I didn't realize the seriousness of this - it never occurred to me that in-patient therapy at a psychiatric facility might be warranted. Wow. Ricky is obviously scared (in shock, I think) but, thankfully, seems willing and eager to do what Fred is recommending.

The last half of our session was spent discussing the incredible importance of ensuring that all evidence of pornography is removed from Ricky's place of employment immediately - file cabinets, computers, cell phone... He continued to rationalize, minimalize and outright lie about the danger involved in having that stuff at work. He doesn't (or won't) see the risk! The fact that he isn't acknowledging and admitting that frightens the hell out of me. He made numerous (pitiful) attempts to try and convince us that everything was under control - that his magazines had always hidden/locked up, cache cleared, website history deleted, etc...

I decided that it was time for him to hear that I have been putting forth serious effort to either 1.) find myself a job or 2.) enroll in schooling that would give me a skill set which could help me find work. I hoped that this would help him to realize how serious this was for me as he has always known how strongly I feel about being a stay-at-home-Mom to our children. He was shocked. He is the kind of person who has always prided himself on being able to support and provide for his family. Realizing that he has (again) jeopardized that and realizing that his wife has felt forced to take the necessary steps to guarantee our family would have a means of support (if/when he lost another job) really threw him for a loop.

Feeble attempts were made this evening to talk about what transpired this morning. I find him - despite the fact that his secret is out - to still be immersed in unbelievable denial. He is also very hostile, defensive, agitated, angry and more than ready to blame me for this problem we now face. I recognized quickly that, due to my nature, it would be all too easy for me to fall into that - believing that somehow it is my fault that he has done this. I ended all conversation on the topic and told him that I feel it would be best if we keep discussions to a minimum until after he's entered treatment and has benefitted from some counseling.

I feel like I'm living in someone else's life right now.

Assessment

Ricky met with Fred tonight to do the "assessment". Fred told us that he would meet with Ricky alone for it as some of the questions may be embarassing and he wanted to make sure that Ricky was as comfortable as possible to answer honestly and openly. I understood but admittedly was curious so I did some research online. I found Dr. Carnes' SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test) and a Sex Addiction Self Test and figured that one of these (or some variety/combination of them) was what he was given.

Ricky was nervous beforehand and just as nervous, frankly, afterwards. He was given no clues about what his answers provided and it was agreed that we would go back together to see Fred and discuss the results on Friday.

So Many Questions...

I have so much I want to say to Ricky - so many questions. I'm hurt, angry, confused...

When did this start? How long has he been into it? Did this have anything to do with the demise of his 1st marriage? I know that his 1st wife had an affair - but did she "step out" because he ignored her and started pleasuring himself after their son was born? Were there signs I missed? Could/should I have known? When did the porn viewing at work start? What is he thinking doing it now - after knowing what getting caught doing it caused him and our family to go through back in 1999? Does he get a kick out of the risk and/or danger of it all? Has he ever met any of the women he has met online in person? Has he had intercourse with anyone else? Did he ever think about how unfair it was? How I felt being ignored for years wondering what was wrong with me to make my own husband not want me? About what it would do to my trust and self-esteem when I found out? How it would destroy our marriage? Did he ever plan on coming out about it or was it something he just intended to do secretly for the rest of our lives?

I'm just not so sure a person could do this to someone he really loved.

So many lies - so much hurt... I desperately need to understand this but I am bound and determined to be the big person in all of this. It's hard to find the balance - I need to remain sane but I have to fight the urge to just sweep it under a rug (again) and ignore it because it's too painful. I want and need to know everything. I cannot change what has happened. I need to accept it and work hard to stay emotionally healthy for my kids' sake as well as for my own. They need at least one healthy parent. I also need to think long and hard about their livelihoods as their Father, in my opinion, is not. I am resentful at having to think about going back to school, getting job-training and gaining employment for myself but accept that it is important and completely necessary now. He agreed to take care of us yet his selfish actions have put his ability to do so in tremendous risk - AGAIN! How could he do that? Could porn be that great? I wonder if the pleasure he's received from it all of these years is worth the pain, grief and heartache it has caused.

I know I have a right to speak about what this has done to me but I don't want to hinder any chance he may have at recovering. I fear that hearing from me may send him into a tailspin - running back to the very thing that has torn or lives apart. For now, I guess getting it out here (and to my therapist Ethel) will have to suffice.

Full Disclosure

Ricky and I had a bit of an argument tonight about the "materials" he admitted to have been keeping at work. Fred and I both - 3 days ago - stressed to him the importance of bringing them home immediately. I asked him about it tonight as he'd made no mention of doing so all week. He claimed to have thrown them away in a dumpster at work. I was upset as we'd agreed in the meeting with Fred on Monday that fully disclosing everything about his problem was going to be an essential part of any chance at recovery we have and he said he would bring them home. He backtracked when I mentioned this and asked me if he wanted me to go get them.

"I thought they were in the trash?"

He then asked if I wanted him to go buy more so that I could see what he was looking at.

"Are you kidding me? Did you really just say that"

He then said that there were only 2 or 3 magazines but in a conversation yesterday, he claimed to have been buying Penthouse (and half a dozen other magazines - many of which I'd never heard of) every month as new issues came out.

'Where are they?"

Who knows what to believe at this point - every other thing out of his mouth is a lie. I hate this. I will not accept anything less than the whole and real truth this time. I will never so foolishly and whole-heartedly put my trust in him or anyone ever again. Addicts of other types (booze, drugs) can be tested for sobriety - porn addicts cannot. All I have is his word and, frankly, that means nothing to me anymore.

The Truth Comes Out

The Summer has been busy and I've been less than diligent about writing out my thoughts. A lot has happened since late June...

Couples therapy with Fred has been slow-going. Frankly, most of our meetings (until the one held yesterday) were between Fred and Ricky and almost exclusively about Ricky's work - the pressure, stress, specifics, personalities etc... Almost no discussion about our relationship or troubles has occurred. It's been frustrating but I accept that therapy is slow - a process - and have been thankful that he, at least, has continued to go.

Two days ago, I decided to confront Ricky with the feeling that I had that there was a sizeable elephant in the room with us. I didn't want to pressure him or start a heated converstion about anything. I just wanted to let him know that I had strong feelings that there was something that needed to come out and that I was there to listen if he wanted to open up and be honest. I'm tired of tip-toeing around - knowing that there is something causing this strife but being forced to conjecture and guess about what it might be. I pleaded with him not to lie to me and asked that if there was something that he wasn't yet ready to talk about or admit - to just be honest and state that. He feigned to rack his brain and said that he could come up with nothing. He made a minor attempt to turn things onto me - suggesting that maybe I had some secret and this ended the conversation. I have learned that that is a popular method of his to get the focus off of him and onto me. The rest of the day was quiet and I had the strong suspicion that I had been lied to.

Yesterday, at our session with Fred, the truth started to come out. Oddly, Fred opened the meeting with the same metaphor I used the day before - that he felt there was an elephant in the room that nobody was talking about. He also said that he had a strong feeling the elephant had something to do with pornography. I'll never forget that moment - Ricky started nodding his head in agreement and admitted that it did. Wow. What?! It wasn't a kick in the gut this time like it was back in 1999 - but it was a shock nonetheless. Honestly, for months (years), I have felt that his work was the only thing more important to him than his family - the thing that was keeping him from really being a husband/Father. It's only just been in the past few weeks that I've started to wonder if there might not be a porn or "other woman" problem.

Ricky admitted to purchasing porn magazines and keeping them at work of all places. Good God. I can't believe he'd be so stupid after what happened a few years ago. The selfishness of that just blows my mind - his own perverted interests/needs are jeopardizing his career and ability to support his family - again! He admitted to using sex chat rooms and cybersex on his work laptop but denied using it to view porn movies and/or pictures. I KNOW I don't believe him about that and I didn't get the impression that Fred did either. He admitted to paying for porn movies while in hotels on business trips as well. A few times, he again made minor attempts to blame his lack of interest/desire in me ON me. He said that I wasn't aggressive enough. He said that he didn't look at me the same way he used to after I gave birth to our children (which Fred told him wasn't normal). I was stunned and heartbroken. What an incredible liar and secret-keeper this man - my husband - is. I cried quite a bit (1st time since couples therapy started) and felt myself becoming very angry - angry at the lies, the deception, the selfishness and then the nerve this man has had to, over the years, spend so much time trying to make his problem sound like something that was my fault. I have a feeling that there is more to come out - more admissions of what he's done - and I'm ready for it. I buried my head in the sand back in 1999 - wanting so badly to believe that he'd never do it again and trusting that he was truly sorry about this "one time thing". Realizing that he was adventuring in porn while I was happy - ecstatically - finally carrying our first child was so painful. Perhaps I didn't ask as many questions as I should have and I, maybe foolishly, believed him when he said he'd stop. I suppose I must share a bit of blame in letting this get to the point it has. I don't feel very hopeful about the future. My trust is crushed. My self-esteem has been thrashed - perhaps irreparably. I can't imagine ever having a healthy sexual relationship with this man again. He is a stranger to me. I know that couples have probably recovered from worse but that's how I feel today.

While he has admitted some things, I think denial is still an issue. He is minimizing things - telling me things like "it's not as bad as you think" etc.. He continues to rationalize and minimize things as well.

Fred is going to see Ricky next Tuesday evening to do some type of assessment. I don't know what it will tell him exactly but he told him that it might be embarassing and uncomfortable. I just hope that Ricky answers the questions honestly. He's proven how good a liar he can be and how easily it comes for him. He is so good about saying what he thinks is the "right thing" or what the therapist wants to hear. If he's not honest going forward (no matter how embarassing or shameful he feels about the truth), we simply won't have a chance.

I haven't been able to see Ethel in a few weeks - it's been too difficult to get to her with the kids home for the Summer. I'm going next week, though, without a doubt - realizing that I need help in sorting this (and whatever else is going to come out) all in my head.

Caught?

I went to bed last night - alone - as I do most nights. Ricky stayed up claiming that he had work on the computer to do. About 30 minutes after I'd gone to bed, I had reason to go into the kitchen for something and, when I did, Rick literally jumped out of his skin while at his laptop at the kitchen table - slamming the screen down and appearing ridiculously nervous/guilty about something. I did not question him - I just did what I had to and went back to the bedroom. His behavior/reaction was isanely suspicious and I assumed that he would stop whatever he was doing and come to bed right away. He didn't come in until 3-4 hours later. I didn't say anything and this morning was quiet too. He seemed to have a sense that I may have seen or suspected something and behaved strangely all day.

Had the porn - that he so solemnly swore off - crept back into his life? Had it ever left? Or was he in a chat room? Perhaps e-mailing with a girlfriend? Have I been blaming his work for the distance between us all of this time when the actual problem was another woman?