A World Turned Upside Down

I am emotionally drained. Where to start? During our therapy session with Fred today, we jumped right into the results of his assessment. He went over (with Ricky's permission) his answers to the questions posed. It was determined, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Ricky is indeed a sex addict. My head was - is - spinning with the news. I realize that the term is a general one defined as a "progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts" but, considering the fact that Ricky hasn't had sex with me (or anyone else, if he is to be believed) in close to a year and a half, the diagnosis seems a bit of an oxymoron.

Fred, without hesitation, suggested an intesive 5-day treatment program a hospital. Wow. Even I didn't realize the seriousness of this - it never occurred to me that in-patient therapy at a psychiatric facility might be warranted. Wow. Ricky is obviously scared (in shock, I think) but, thankfully, seems willing and eager to do what Fred is recommending.

The last half of our session was spent discussing the incredible importance of ensuring that all evidence of pornography is removed from Ricky's place of employment immediately - file cabinets, computers, cell phone... He continued to rationalize, minimalize and outright lie about the danger involved in having that stuff at work. He doesn't (or won't) see the risk! The fact that he isn't acknowledging and admitting that frightens the hell out of me. He made numerous (pitiful) attempts to try and convince us that everything was under control - that his magazines had always hidden/locked up, cache cleared, website history deleted, etc...

I decided that it was time for him to hear that I have been putting forth serious effort to either 1.) find myself a job or 2.) enroll in schooling that would give me a skill set which could help me find work. I hoped that this would help him to realize how serious this was for me as he has always known how strongly I feel about being a stay-at-home-Mom to our children. He was shocked. He is the kind of person who has always prided himself on being able to support and provide for his family. Realizing that he has (again) jeopardized that and realizing that his wife has felt forced to take the necessary steps to guarantee our family would have a means of support (if/when he lost another job) really threw him for a loop.

Feeble attempts were made this evening to talk about what transpired this morning. I find him - despite the fact that his secret is out - to still be immersed in unbelievable denial. He is also very hostile, defensive, agitated, angry and more than ready to blame me for this problem we now face. I recognized quickly that, due to my nature, it would be all too easy for me to fall into that - believing that somehow it is my fault that he has done this. I ended all conversation on the topic and told him that I feel it would be best if we keep discussions to a minimum until after he's entered treatment and has benefitted from some counseling.

I feel like I'm living in someone else's life right now.