So Many Questions...

I have so much I want to say to Ricky - so many questions. I'm hurt, angry, confused...

When did this start? How long has he been into it? Did this have anything to do with the demise of his 1st marriage? I know that his 1st wife had an affair - but did she "step out" because he ignored her and started pleasuring himself after their son was born? Were there signs I missed? Could/should I have known? When did the porn viewing at work start? What is he thinking doing it now - after knowing what getting caught doing it caused him and our family to go through back in 1999? Does he get a kick out of the risk and/or danger of it all? Has he ever met any of the women he has met online in person? Has he had intercourse with anyone else? Did he ever think about how unfair it was? How I felt being ignored for years wondering what was wrong with me to make my own husband not want me? About what it would do to my trust and self-esteem when I found out? How it would destroy our marriage? Did he ever plan on coming out about it or was it something he just intended to do secretly for the rest of our lives?

I'm just not so sure a person could do this to someone he really loved.

So many lies - so much hurt... I desperately need to understand this but I am bound and determined to be the big person in all of this. It's hard to find the balance - I need to remain sane but I have to fight the urge to just sweep it under a rug (again) and ignore it because it's too painful. I want and need to know everything. I cannot change what has happened. I need to accept it and work hard to stay emotionally healthy for my kids' sake as well as for my own. They need at least one healthy parent. I also need to think long and hard about their livelihoods as their Father, in my opinion, is not. I am resentful at having to think about going back to school, getting job-training and gaining employment for myself but accept that it is important and completely necessary now. He agreed to take care of us yet his selfish actions have put his ability to do so in tremendous risk - AGAIN! How could he do that? Could porn be that great? I wonder if the pleasure he's received from it all of these years is worth the pain, grief and heartache it has caused.

I know I have a right to speak about what this has done to me but I don't want to hinder any chance he may have at recovering. I fear that hearing from me may send him into a tailspin - running back to the very thing that has torn or lives apart. For now, I guess getting it out here (and to my therapist Ethel) will have to suffice.