His, Mine and Ours

I am organized. I prefer order and for things to have explanations, to be rational and to make sense. I like to have a plan. I've had one, in fact, for as long as I can remember.

I have also, over the years of my life, grown to become a believer in the "shit happens" school of thought. I've been forced to accept that things aren't always predictable. Or fair. Or sensible. I have learned that you can take vitamins, visit your obstetrician regularly, eat well, take care of yourself and still end up giving birth to a child who has a neurological problem for which there is no cure. You can meet a mature adult man, spend years getting to know him, believe that you understand and know all there is to understand and know about him, think long and hard about entering into a marriage with him and still end up having your heart, love and trust disregarded and crushed by him 16 years later.

My husbands' sexual addiction was not in my plan.

It is certainly in my life now, though - a part of my every breath, word and thought. I cannot change or erase that fact (as much as I'd like to) so I am determined to deal with it. For that, I have devised a plan. I don't know if my plan is a good one or if it will work - but it is in place and I find comfort (as much comfort a I can feel these days) knowing that it is there.

His - Ricky needs help. He is going to transition from Fred - the MFT we've been seeing together - to a psychiatrist at the same practice. Fred feels that, while he has treated people with sex addictions before, it would be best for Ricky to see a doctor who has more years of schooling, more experience and the ability to prescribe anti-anxiety or anti-depression medications down the road (if necessary). Ricky is ready and willing and can't wait to get started. Thank heavens - as I don't think we'd still be together were he not. He's been informed that his therapy will be multi-faceted - that his childhood (the molestation, abuse etc.) will probably be addressed first. It's finally been acknowledged by him (through the psychotherapy at the SA program) but needs, still, to be dealt with and healthily "put away" in its place. He also has some serious self-esteem/self-worth/self-image issues to straighten out. Coping skills need to be learned and implemented in his daily life and his sexual addiction to be addressed. (An impressive to-do list!)

Mine - I am going to continue to see my MFT, Ethel. Without a doubt, I have issues that need to be addressed. I am working very hard on trying to really wrap my brain around what has happened - the how's, when's and the why's... I have to work on my self-esteem, learning to trust again, ridding myself of anger and resentment... Also, I think it essential that I remain emotionally healthy - not just for my own well-being - but for that of my children. My sweet, innocent little children...

Ours - Eventually (once we have ironed out our individual issues), we hope to enter couples' counseling together. We will need to work on re-building what (I thought) we once had. Restoration of trust will obviously be an important part of our therapy together as will improving our communication skills (empathic listening, outright honesty, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability), improved awareness of individual issues and emotions, forgiveness, dealing with sexual problems, establishing boundaries, improving intimacy (positive interactions, activities together, etc.), reducing defensiveness, and reducing shame.

We have a long way to go but at least we have a plan...