Love Languages

Last week, I got the book that Fred recommended. I'm reading it and it's interesting but I don't see, honestly, how it's going to help us any. I'm not sure why it was recommended, frankly. I think our problems are 100x larger than "what love language we speak".

Ricky and I went on a 24-hour trip to Santa Barbara (sans children) that was very awkward and not enjoyable for me. We managed to be civil (I have much experience with putting on the "happy face" and pretending like all is well) and the dinner was fine until he flipped out over something that I saw as very minor. He became incredibly angry and hostile and I found myself regretting that I'd ever agreed to go. The tension between us is so high right now. Some days, I feel hopeless that things are ever going to change or improve.

A Missing Piece

I had a 2nd appointment with my therapist, Ethel, today. I told her about the conversation I had with Ricky the night of our 1st meeting and she was very surprised at his reaction - the threats, anger and intimidation. She said it didn't make sense that he'd react that way to the suggestion of therapy but I told her that I thought he just felt like his back was against the wall. She seems to think that there is some significant "missing piece".

I opened up about the lack of physical contact in our marriage (it has been just over a year since we have had sexual relations) and she had trouble hiding her shock. She immediately asked me about the possibility that he may be having an affair. I told her that it had occurred to me (many times - as I lay in bed until 1 - 2 - 3 in the morning waiting for him to return home from "work") but that I honestly don't think he is. I can't imagine him having the time or capacity to maintain a relationship outside of our marriage. I admitted that it's a possibility that he may be having casual sex with someone (no strings attached) - which is obviously bad enough - but I definitely would be surprised to find that he was involved in any type of real relationship. I agree that it's not normal and hard to believe that a healthy, adult man would (COULD) go without sex for that long. I'd be lying to say that it hasn't crossed my mind that he must be "getting it" somewhere. It's so humiliating and painful... Today was the first time I ever spoke outloud about this aspect of our marriage. I have believed for months and years that his lack of interest was either because he was too tired from working or because of me - how I looked, the 15 pounds of "baby weight" I was still carrying around etc...

I've started to share some of these more personal things with my Mom too. I never had until recently - it's so embarassing. I realized, though, that she can't offer meaningful advice unless she knows all of the facts and I desperately need her advice and support now more than I ever have.

Ethel and I briefly discussed what happened in 1999 (the porn at work) and she agrees that if he has a problem with intimacy (which he readily admits to), porn may feel "safe" for him. She feels that making a choice to "have sex" with porn is no different than making a choice to have sex with another person. For whatever reason, I feel like I could file for divorce much more easily if I learned he was having sex with another person - but if I were to learn that he was choosing porn over me, I think I would feel an obligation to give him a chance to get help before I'd do anything to end the marriage. Ethel, however, sees both as infidelity and a betrayal of the marriage and the vows we made to one another. She also talks a lot about making choices and consequences.

She asked me if I'd ever thought about separating and asked if I'd ever considered getting a job so that I wasn't as dependent on him. It's so hard to think about these things... I never dreamed I'd be in a position like this and I hate it.

Surviving Our First Session

Today's appointment with the Ricky and the MFT was interesting - for lack of a better word. I was far more nervous about it than I was my individual appointment. Ricky was late and taking phone calls from his office as we were walking in - no big surprise. The therapist (Fred) asked some basic questions initially about how we met, things that attracted us to one another etc... The meeting quickly became what I called "The Ricky Show". He was personable, affable, friendly... I don't think I said 10 words during the entire hour. He was fairly honest with Fred about some things - admitting to working excessive hours and ignoring the marriage. The only time I felt the need to speak up and say something was when the two of them were talking about why he would never call when he was 3-4-5-6 hours later than he said he'd be. He claimed that he didn't call because he thought I would "yell" at him. I interjected and clarified that I had not "yelled" about him doing that to me (despite finding it horribly rude and disrespectful) for years. He finally conceded that he couldn't even remember the last time I had "yelled" about such a thing.

He also told Fred (much to my surprise) the reasons for a move we made from one state to another in 1999. I didn't expect that - believing it might come out eventually - but not on our 1st visit. In a nutshell, less than 2 months after our 1st child was born, he came home early one Friday - distraught and emotional - to let me know that he had been caught at work viewing "objectionable" (pornographic) webites on his computer. Oh. My. God. I was devastated (as I held our 6-week old baby) and shocked beyond belief. I was hurt and angry as hell too - but there was little time for discussion or arguments. He was given the choice of accepting a sizeable demotion or leaving and we agreed that leaving was the best option. We immediately sprung into look-for-a-new-job mode. He was very apologetic, embarassed beyond belief and seemed extremely remorseful. My parents and I did our best to "pump him up", though, so that he could successfully seek out and gain other employment. He did - within hours - and spent days apologizing to me, thanking me for my support and swearing that he had learned a valuable lesson and would never do anything like that again. I believed him. I had no reason not to. He was my husband. The only explanation he could give me for why he had been doing that was that he was "just curious". Although crushed, I took his word for it and even accepted a bit of blame myself - I had been pregnant for most of the 2 years prior (suffering from a handful of back-to-back miscarriages before successfully carrying our son to term) and assumed that my pregnant and dramatically-changing body just wasn't "doing it for him" anymore. Looking back, I realize that the pain this episode caused me may have been too difficult to really face and I probablyI did stuff a lot of what I was feeling (embarassment, shame, disappointment, anger etc.) down inside.

Upon learning this (in the therapy session), Fred asked Ricky if he was still viewing porn and he emphatically said "no". Fred told us that he was surprised he could quit cold turkey and without help. Ricky explained that he quit smoking the same way and never turned back. I couldn't help but sense that Fred was extremely skeptical about this but he didn't push the issue.

Acknowledging that Ricky probably wouldn't have the time to, Fred recommended that I get a book titled The Five Love Langues by Gary Chapman, read it, give him a "cliffs notes" version of the book and then be prepared to discuss it at our next appointment.

I didn't find the appointment to be terribly effective or productive. My Mom had some input, though, that helped me to feel a little better. She thinks that the therapist is working on gaining Ricky's trust right now. If he really came at him with talk of the workaholism etc. on the first minute of the first visit, there would be a great chance he would never go back. He seemed to think the appointment went well so I guess that is good. Our next visit is on July 2.

Father's Day

When Ricky" opened his Father's Day cards from the kids and me, he was (once again) obviously upset - even gasping outloud after reading mine. He ran to the bedroom and threw it in a drawer. I followed him to ask what was wrong and he tossed the card at me along with one I had given him 5 or 6 years ago. Admittedly, the card from this year was fairly "generic". I had trouble finding one that didn't say Happy Father's Day without saying anything about being "husband of the year". I just don't feel the "husband of the year" thing right now. He was obviously hurt and annoyed and told me that he "gets it now" and that he "sees where I am at". I felt horribly. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings.

This started a dialogue that eventually ended up in a discussion of the possibility of him being a workaholic. I have been researching it extensively and really feel that that might be a problem for him but hadn't yet spoken to him about it. I mentioned the possibility to the MFT we're going to see tomorrow and decided to give him a "heads up" about it in case she brought it up. He didn't deny the possibility but I find that as soon as he admits it, he immediately rationalizes or makes an excuse for why he works so much - definitely doesn't understand the impact such a thing has on the family, either.

Signs of a workaholic: first one at work, last one to leave, brings work home regularly, most social occasions involve work, most "friends" are co-workers, promises to be home in time for dinner butseldom follows through, if vacations are taken, they're work-related or he constantly checks in or checks e-mails, conversations revolve around work, meals (if eaten at all) are eaten at the desk, can't/does't delegate, multi-tasks a majority of the time, over-schedules and over-plans, desires ccontrol and overreacts to change over which s/he has no control, neglects personal needs like sleep, food and recreation, has memory problems, no connection with loved ones...

It's him to a tee! I wonder if he is willing/ready to accept it and to enter therapy...

Progress/

The MFT I was referred to and I finally caught up with each other and we have an appointment for couples counseling on Monday the 18th. I'm unsure as to what to expect - but glad that the appointment is finally set. It's so rotten to feel so uncomfortable in your own home. However this ends up - I just hope to find some resolve and some peace.

My parents (Mom, verbally, and Dad, in an e-mail) have both made it clear that they feel that the marriage needs to remain in tact for the kids' sake. I go back and forth with this one... I have given it a lot of thought but haven't yet formed any solid opinion on the whole "stay together for the kids" thing. Again - just too damn much to think about. How did I end up here?

Tension at Home

Now that things have been brought out into the open a bit, the tension around the home is palpable despite my best efforts to make them seem as normal as I can. I have noticed that, for a few days, Ricky has been making an effort to be home at more reasonable times. (He often does this after an argument about his hours/absence at home but it's always short-lived.)

Even when he is here, the Blackberry is constantly out and the computer is always on. He is doing work in the kitchen every night until well after midnight. Yes - he's been physically here a bit more - but he's not HERE. I'm hesitant to say anything about how I feel for fear that he'll get angry and think that nothing is ever "good enough". I'm desperately trying to get in contact with the other MFT my therapist, Ethel, referred us to for couples counseling. I fear that he will change his mind about going if I getting the appointment takes too long.

Therapy - finally!

The visit with Ethel (my MFT) went better than I expected. She wasn't scary or intimidating. Her office was comfortable and our visit lasted over an hour. She mostly listened and handed me tissues (frequently) when I needed them. It was hard trying to give her an accurate depiction of our 15 years together in such a short time. I chose my words carefully and put forth great effort to be fair and as thorough as possible in the hour and 15 minutes we were together. She was fairly blunt - calling things the way she saw them - which I appreciated. She has no emotional ties to either of us so I guess there was no sense in or need to, on her part, sugar-coat her views. She gave me a paper with information on grieving and explained that people deal with loss (and it doesn't have to be the loss of life - it can be loss of ones' health, self-esteem etc.) in similar ways. She thinks I've gone through the shock, denial, bargaining and anger and that I am at a place of acceptance/coping/managing in terms of the loss of the partner I wanted and thought I had. She made a few points about me being like an "enabler" (making excuses for him etc.).

I asked her if she'd see us together (if I could convince Ricky to go) but she said she wouldn't since she'd already met with me individually. She suggested that we see someone else at her office if we want to go together (or if he wants to go on his own). She and I made another appointment for the 21st.

I broke down in tears and cried to my Mother for what seemed like hours afterwards - telling her about the visit as well as some other things that I hadn't ever shared with her before. She claims that she and my Father are surprised by the suddenness of this and that's something Ricky has expressed to me as well. I guess I thought the people around me knew how frustrated I always was and believe that, on some level, they did - even though I did try to hide it for the sake of peace in the household. Too - with my parents - I admit that I have kept a lot of things to myself. They adore Ricky and, honestly, some things have been just too personal and humiliating to share. My Mom convinced me that there is no need to "rush into anything". She's right - I'm not ready to rush anywhere right now anyway - I'm not even sure where I'd rush to. The only thing I'm sure about is how I feel today. We both agreed that, because of the kids, every avenue should be explored before making any huge decisions. I decided to try and talk to Ricky one more time about the possibility of couples therapy as that is an avenue he's always refused to go down in the past.

After the kids went to bed tonight, I approached him. He hadn't even remembered that I had an appointment with the therapist which was no surprise. I didn't tell him everything about the visit but just let him know that I went and was planning on going back. He seemed very threatened by that. I asked him his thoughts on going himself or going with me. He struck out at me immediately - becoming, again, visibly angry and aggressive - telling me that I can do whatever I need to but that "his kids will be living with him". I wasn't sure where he was going with that - I was talking about counselling and he was talking about custody - but he continued on stating that "his kids" would stay with him and that he would not be a visitation Dad ("every other weekend/every other holiday"). I felt very threatened by the tone in his voice - it was obvious that he was angry and - again - my instinct was to just shut my mouth and drop it. When I questioned how he'd raise them when he is rarely home, he said he'd easily "hire someone to do it". I cannot lose my children and my skin crawls at the thought of him threatening to take them from me. My first thought was that if that is the way he was going to play this, I would have no choice but to continue internalizing my unhappiness and drop this. My kids need me and I am confident of that. My gut (and common sense) tells me that he couldn't take them from their Mother (who has done nothing but love and care for them every minute of their lives) but he has power and money and I have nothing - that's just a risk I cannot take. The conversation went on for 2 hours and was emotionally draining and exhausting. He also informed me of a few other things that will forever stick with me. When talking about what we need from each other, I expressed that I have, for more of our marriage than not, only felt needed for domestic/household things - laundry, chores, cleaning, caring for the kids etc.. He let me know that he doesn't even really need me for those things at all and that he could and did manage on his own just fine before I ever came along. Wow. He insisted on talking about divorce-related issues (like the custody thing) and told me that I'd leave the marriage with nothing more than I came into it with (which would be a car, the clothes on my back and about $2,000 in credit card debt). He stated a number of times that things would "get ugly" and that HE is "the one who has owned all of the houses we have lived in". I kept trying to steer the conversation towards therapy, however, and did - in the end - get him to agree to go. He doesn't think that he needs any help - but he agrees that the marriage seems to be in trouble and that maybe therapy will help me figure out what my "problem" is and why I'm not happy. He tried to hug me in the end and, again, convince me that he's going to do whatever it takes but I have to say that the things I perceived as ugly and threatening regarding the kids and finances did not endear him to me much. Hugs are difficult for me at the moment. I went to bed feeling empty, scared, hopeless, trapped and unbelievably frustrated...

STRESS

The anxiety I'm experiencing over my upcoming MFT visit has been tremendous. I do not know what to expect and hate that.

Workaholic?

I asked Ricky if maybe writing about our feelings and what is going on might be more helpful than talking. He said he wouldn't mind if I wrote to him - didn't give me the impression that he's interested in doing it himself, though. He claims (right now) to want to work things out - that he'll do whatever it takes. I'm not sure there's anything he can do, though, and - frankly - I've heard this from him before - many, many, many times. At the moment, I just can't imagine my feelings changing. I'm not convinced he really wants to work things out either - regardless of what he says, it's hard to believe that the unhappiness I feel is one-sided. If he really wanted the marriage/relationship to work and loved me the way I feel a husband should love his wife, wouldn't he have already put forth the effort? He claims that I have his attention now and that he's going to "be better". He has made comments about not being happy in the past - he's even mentioned divorce on more than one occasion - but maybe he just isn't ready to fully "own" it yet. (Lord knows it took me a long time to realize/admit the possibility that this may not be working anymore and that our relationship may not be as great as I wanted everyoe to think it was.) I think he may be more upset at the thought of another divorce than he is at the thought of actually losing ME.

I know he cares about me and I know he loves our kids but I really feel like he might be happier without the constant demand of family life. I actually could see him enjoying more quality time with the children if we were apart than he does now. He and I might even have more productive discussions if we were apart. I cannot count the number of times he has tuned me out after the first few seconds of a conversation or how many times he has asked a question and then changed the subject or left the room before ever hearing my answer. Even when he's physically here, he's not emotionally here... There is an obscene disconnect in our relationship. He is often on his Blackberry or his laptop and when we do get a chance to talk, it is almost always about his work. He rarely shows any interest in me personally - my life, my feelings, my friends... When I have expressed that to him, he has has made (temporary) efforts to start asking questions but I just don't get the feeling that the interest is sincere and it feels forced and uncomfortable.

His work is his #1 priority. That was a tremendously difficult and painful realization I was forced to come to a few years ago. I wouldn't be suprised if he were actually officially a "workaholic". From what I've gathered from reading about it, people who are place work above all other things in their life - their family, loved ones and even their own health. I found this on a Q & A about workaholics from a MFT online and thought it interesting:

"Although it may be true that your husband is not having an affair with another woman, the reality is that he is having an affair with his business. All of his energy and vitality are focused on this area of his life, leaving little to nothing left over for the marriage.

Your husband needs to know that you need his EMOTIONAL as well as physical presence. Let him know that you do love him but that the marriage is not giving you the sustenance you need from a primary relationship.

Being "married" means that you must depend on your partner for certain things that you agree to not get from anyone else. This includes sexual intimacy and a certain emotional connection that is unique. Naturally, there is much room for defining what kind of marriage you want and while it is true that it is unrealistic to depend only on your partner for all your emotional needs, it is primarily for reasons of emotional nurturance that people marry.

It is time to confront your husband with the fact that marriage, like business, requires effort. If he does not wish to be married, that is his prerogative. But if he wants to remain married, he must come to terms with the responsibilities inherent in a marriage. A relationship needs attention in order to stay alive. Like any plant that you may have watered regularly for years, once the watering stops, it will inevitably wither. And there does come a time when the opportunity for revival is past and death is inevitable."

Ricky claimed yesterday that he knows the hours he works and the attention he gives to his job are excessive - but that he "only does it for us". I've also read that workaholics often do this - try to place blame for their work habits on their spouses and family. I had to call him on that. Yes - he is very conscientious about providing for his family - he always has been. There is no question in my mind, though, that his work ethic would be no different even if we weren't around. It is just his nature. Period. He is intelligent and has good business sense and a strong feeling about what is right in the workplace - his career is very, very important to him. He'd work the hours he does now if he worked at a gas station!

Hitting The Wall

Talking about the state of our marriage hasn't worked for us much in recent years - Ricky hasn't been terribly responsive and I always end up feeling un-satisfied and frustrated. After years of feeling like I was talking to myself/banging my head against a wall, I suppose I closed up and started keeping my unhappiness about the state of our marriage to myself or sharing my feelings with others - girlfriends and/or my Mother. This obviously worked for him - he didn't have to hear or listen to me and I, although annoyed, was able to at least vent somewhere and still keep up with what I felt was my duty to maintain the "happy appearance". Unfortunately, I fear that years and years of this has done considerable damage to our relationship.

For whatever reason, I now feel as if I've hit a wall and am no longer wanting to live this way. I decided it was time that we try to discuss things so I approached him after breakfast today. He became instantly hostile and aggressive. He was visibly upset and claimed to have "flashbacks" of when he and his 1st wife split up. I hate causing him pain like that - but understand it - there are some similarities in our complaints. He has admitted to being emotionally and physically absent with her as well. (For reference - she claims that that absence "forced" her to seek out attention from another man and subsequently have an affair which ultimately ended their marriage.)

I am of the opinion that being married is hard - it takes more than just love for a union to be healthy, happy and successful. He openly admitted that he hasn't given our marriage the effort it deserved and that he has taken it for granted. It was satisfying to hear him acknowledge that (something I already felt to be true) but it doesn't change where we're at right now.

I am not angry. I've certainly been angry in the past but I feel strangely not angry now. I am not trying to change anyone. I understand and accept Ricky for who he is. I am just not sure that who/what he is is something I will be happy spending my life with. That is hard for me to actually admit outloud. I am struggling with the whole happiness thing - is it selfish to want to be happy? Or, because of the steps I've taken and the vows I've made, is my responsibility to be wife/Mom and put my needs/desires aside?

Ricky suggested, at one point, that maybe I "need medication". I was offended at first (feeling the comment to be snide) but did give it some consideration - there is some depression in my family. I honestly don't think I'm depressed, though. I get great joy from my children and experience happy moments all day long - in my friends, music, hobbies... There is just one area of my life that makes me feel sad and/or anxious. I love Ricky and care about him but feel that we have no connection. I feel as if I'm more of a cook/maid/childcare provider than a wife or friend. I don't like feeling the way I do - I'm just being honest. I don't want to cause him any pain. When I feel like he's upset or hurt about something I've said, my first instinct is to just stop talking and clam up. I've been doing that for years, though, and it's not working for me. I'm a people-pleaser. I never want anyone to be mad at or upset with me. I worry that I could be the kind of person who would stay in an unhappy marriage just so as to not upset her spouse, parents or friends.

I think I have a fairly good understanding of what has happened in our relationship - it is not hard to look back and see what has transpired over the years. I just know that I can't go back and do anything about it. All I can do is deal with the present. My feelings are what they are.

We talked a bit about blame. I don't place blame on anyone or anything - like I said before - I have sadness in my heart but no anger. I'm sure there are things he could've done differently in regards to our relationship and I have no doubt that I've made my share of mistakes. I can't berate myself for not pushing harder for therapy when he didn't want to go or for internalizing things even when I had strong suspicions that they'd find their way out eventually. I wouldn't want him to be angry at himself for anything either.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go at this point. I'm definitely going to keep an appointment I made with a marriage/family therapist (MFT) though. Perhaps she can help me sort things out in my head.