Workaholic?

I asked Ricky if maybe writing about our feelings and what is going on might be more helpful than talking. He said he wouldn't mind if I wrote to him - didn't give me the impression that he's interested in doing it himself, though. He claims (right now) to want to work things out - that he'll do whatever it takes. I'm not sure there's anything he can do, though, and - frankly - I've heard this from him before - many, many, many times. At the moment, I just can't imagine my feelings changing. I'm not convinced he really wants to work things out either - regardless of what he says, it's hard to believe that the unhappiness I feel is one-sided. If he really wanted the marriage/relationship to work and loved me the way I feel a husband should love his wife, wouldn't he have already put forth the effort? He claims that I have his attention now and that he's going to "be better". He has made comments about not being happy in the past - he's even mentioned divorce on more than one occasion - but maybe he just isn't ready to fully "own" it yet. (Lord knows it took me a long time to realize/admit the possibility that this may not be working anymore and that our relationship may not be as great as I wanted everyoe to think it was.) I think he may be more upset at the thought of another divorce than he is at the thought of actually losing ME.

I know he cares about me and I know he loves our kids but I really feel like he might be happier without the constant demand of family life. I actually could see him enjoying more quality time with the children if we were apart than he does now. He and I might even have more productive discussions if we were apart. I cannot count the number of times he has tuned me out after the first few seconds of a conversation or how many times he has asked a question and then changed the subject or left the room before ever hearing my answer. Even when he's physically here, he's not emotionally here... There is an obscene disconnect in our relationship. He is often on his Blackberry or his laptop and when we do get a chance to talk, it is almost always about his work. He rarely shows any interest in me personally - my life, my feelings, my friends... When I have expressed that to him, he has has made (temporary) efforts to start asking questions but I just don't get the feeling that the interest is sincere and it feels forced and uncomfortable.

His work is his #1 priority. That was a tremendously difficult and painful realization I was forced to come to a few years ago. I wouldn't be suprised if he were actually officially a "workaholic". From what I've gathered from reading about it, people who are place work above all other things in their life - their family, loved ones and even their own health. I found this on a Q & A about workaholics from a MFT online and thought it interesting:

"Although it may be true that your husband is not having an affair with another woman, the reality is that he is having an affair with his business. All of his energy and vitality are focused on this area of his life, leaving little to nothing left over for the marriage.

Your husband needs to know that you need his EMOTIONAL as well as physical presence. Let him know that you do love him but that the marriage is not giving you the sustenance you need from a primary relationship.

Being "married" means that you must depend on your partner for certain things that you agree to not get from anyone else. This includes sexual intimacy and a certain emotional connection that is unique. Naturally, there is much room for defining what kind of marriage you want and while it is true that it is unrealistic to depend only on your partner for all your emotional needs, it is primarily for reasons of emotional nurturance that people marry.

It is time to confront your husband with the fact that marriage, like business, requires effort. If he does not wish to be married, that is his prerogative. But if he wants to remain married, he must come to terms with the responsibilities inherent in a marriage. A relationship needs attention in order to stay alive. Like any plant that you may have watered regularly for years, once the watering stops, it will inevitably wither. And there does come a time when the opportunity for revival is past and death is inevitable."

Ricky claimed yesterday that he knows the hours he works and the attention he gives to his job are excessive - but that he "only does it for us". I've also read that workaholics often do this - try to place blame for their work habits on their spouses and family. I had to call him on that. Yes - he is very conscientious about providing for his family - he always has been. There is no question in my mind, though, that his work ethic would be no different even if we weren't around. It is just his nature. Period. He is intelligent and has good business sense and a strong feeling about what is right in the workplace - his career is very, very important to him. He'd work the hours he does now if he worked at a gas station!