A Missing Piece

I had a 2nd appointment with my therapist, Ethel, today. I told her about the conversation I had with Ricky the night of our 1st meeting and she was very surprised at his reaction - the threats, anger and intimidation. She said it didn't make sense that he'd react that way to the suggestion of therapy but I told her that I thought he just felt like his back was against the wall. She seems to think that there is some significant "missing piece".

I opened up about the lack of physical contact in our marriage (it has been just over a year since we have had sexual relations) and she had trouble hiding her shock. She immediately asked me about the possibility that he may be having an affair. I told her that it had occurred to me (many times - as I lay in bed until 1 - 2 - 3 in the morning waiting for him to return home from "work") but that I honestly don't think he is. I can't imagine him having the time or capacity to maintain a relationship outside of our marriage. I admitted that it's a possibility that he may be having casual sex with someone (no strings attached) - which is obviously bad enough - but I definitely would be surprised to find that he was involved in any type of real relationship. I agree that it's not normal and hard to believe that a healthy, adult man would (COULD) go without sex for that long. I'd be lying to say that it hasn't crossed my mind that he must be "getting it" somewhere. It's so humiliating and painful... Today was the first time I ever spoke outloud about this aspect of our marriage. I have believed for months and years that his lack of interest was either because he was too tired from working or because of me - how I looked, the 15 pounds of "baby weight" I was still carrying around etc...

I've started to share some of these more personal things with my Mom too. I never had until recently - it's so embarassing. I realized, though, that she can't offer meaningful advice unless she knows all of the facts and I desperately need her advice and support now more than I ever have.

Ethel and I briefly discussed what happened in 1999 (the porn at work) and she agrees that if he has a problem with intimacy (which he readily admits to), porn may feel "safe" for him. She feels that making a choice to "have sex" with porn is no different than making a choice to have sex with another person. For whatever reason, I feel like I could file for divorce much more easily if I learned he was having sex with another person - but if I were to learn that he was choosing porn over me, I think I would feel an obligation to give him a chance to get help before I'd do anything to end the marriage. Ethel, however, sees both as infidelity and a betrayal of the marriage and the vows we made to one another. She also talks a lot about making choices and consequences.

She asked me if I'd ever thought about separating and asked if I'd ever considered getting a job so that I wasn't as dependent on him. It's so hard to think about these things... I never dreamed I'd be in a position like this and I hate it.