Therapy - finally!

The visit with Ethel (my MFT) went better than I expected. She wasn't scary or intimidating. Her office was comfortable and our visit lasted over an hour. She mostly listened and handed me tissues (frequently) when I needed them. It was hard trying to give her an accurate depiction of our 15 years together in such a short time. I chose my words carefully and put forth great effort to be fair and as thorough as possible in the hour and 15 minutes we were together. She was fairly blunt - calling things the way she saw them - which I appreciated. She has no emotional ties to either of us so I guess there was no sense in or need to, on her part, sugar-coat her views. She gave me a paper with information on grieving and explained that people deal with loss (and it doesn't have to be the loss of life - it can be loss of ones' health, self-esteem etc.) in similar ways. She thinks I've gone through the shock, denial, bargaining and anger and that I am at a place of acceptance/coping/managing in terms of the loss of the partner I wanted and thought I had. She made a few points about me being like an "enabler" (making excuses for him etc.).

I asked her if she'd see us together (if I could convince Ricky to go) but she said she wouldn't since she'd already met with me individually. She suggested that we see someone else at her office if we want to go together (or if he wants to go on his own). She and I made another appointment for the 21st.

I broke down in tears and cried to my Mother for what seemed like hours afterwards - telling her about the visit as well as some other things that I hadn't ever shared with her before. She claims that she and my Father are surprised by the suddenness of this and that's something Ricky has expressed to me as well. I guess I thought the people around me knew how frustrated I always was and believe that, on some level, they did - even though I did try to hide it for the sake of peace in the household. Too - with my parents - I admit that I have kept a lot of things to myself. They adore Ricky and, honestly, some things have been just too personal and humiliating to share. My Mom convinced me that there is no need to "rush into anything". She's right - I'm not ready to rush anywhere right now anyway - I'm not even sure where I'd rush to. The only thing I'm sure about is how I feel today. We both agreed that, because of the kids, every avenue should be explored before making any huge decisions. I decided to try and talk to Ricky one more time about the possibility of couples therapy as that is an avenue he's always refused to go down in the past.

After the kids went to bed tonight, I approached him. He hadn't even remembered that I had an appointment with the therapist which was no surprise. I didn't tell him everything about the visit but just let him know that I went and was planning on going back. He seemed very threatened by that. I asked him his thoughts on going himself or going with me. He struck out at me immediately - becoming, again, visibly angry and aggressive - telling me that I can do whatever I need to but that "his kids will be living with him". I wasn't sure where he was going with that - I was talking about counselling and he was talking about custody - but he continued on stating that "his kids" would stay with him and that he would not be a visitation Dad ("every other weekend/every other holiday"). I felt very threatened by the tone in his voice - it was obvious that he was angry and - again - my instinct was to just shut my mouth and drop it. When I questioned how he'd raise them when he is rarely home, he said he'd easily "hire someone to do it". I cannot lose my children and my skin crawls at the thought of him threatening to take them from me. My first thought was that if that is the way he was going to play this, I would have no choice but to continue internalizing my unhappiness and drop this. My kids need me and I am confident of that. My gut (and common sense) tells me that he couldn't take them from their Mother (who has done nothing but love and care for them every minute of their lives) but he has power and money and I have nothing - that's just a risk I cannot take. The conversation went on for 2 hours and was emotionally draining and exhausting. He also informed me of a few other things that will forever stick with me. When talking about what we need from each other, I expressed that I have, for more of our marriage than not, only felt needed for domestic/household things - laundry, chores, cleaning, caring for the kids etc.. He let me know that he doesn't even really need me for those things at all and that he could and did manage on his own just fine before I ever came along. Wow. He insisted on talking about divorce-related issues (like the custody thing) and told me that I'd leave the marriage with nothing more than I came into it with (which would be a car, the clothes on my back and about $2,000 in credit card debt). He stated a number of times that things would "get ugly" and that HE is "the one who has owned all of the houses we have lived in". I kept trying to steer the conversation towards therapy, however, and did - in the end - get him to agree to go. He doesn't think that he needs any help - but he agrees that the marriage seems to be in trouble and that maybe therapy will help me figure out what my "problem" is and why I'm not happy. He tried to hug me in the end and, again, convince me that he's going to do whatever it takes but I have to say that the things I perceived as ugly and threatening regarding the kids and finances did not endear him to me much. Hugs are difficult for me at the moment. I went to bed feeling empty, scared, hopeless, trapped and unbelievably frustrated...