90 Days

Ricky considers himself "clean and on the road to recovery" for 90 days as of today. He last acted out on August 8th of this year but came home from his week of intense, in-patient therapy on the 14th of September. It wasn't until then that he felt he really had an understanding of what his issues and problems were and was committed to making changes in his life so that is his "anniversary day".

It's been a long road - and Lord knows we have a long way to go - but I'm proud of him.

A Close-Call?

I told Ricky last night that I was concerned about him. I let him know how I was feeling - what changes I was noticing in his behavior and that I missed the "connecton" I felt we'd had since his return from the in-patient facility. I made it clear that if he needed to talk, I was here and willing to listen. He was quiet for a few minutes but did open up finally and admit that he had indeed been having thoughts of "acting out".

Oh boy.

I had an inkling - but still wasn't 100% prepared, I guess, to hear it. This hit me like a brick. I was speechless for a minute (that felt like an hour) - trying to c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y find the right words to say. Inside I was screaming but I didn't want to yell or cry or give him any reason to lie about/justify/minimalize the truth or clam-up completely. Almost as soon as he admitted to what he'd been thinking about, though - before I even managed to reply - he struck out at me. That was what "the old Ricky" used to do. I recognize it for what it is now, though - deflection... I called him on it immediately and ended the conversation. I knew that he had his 2nd appointment with his new psychiatrist very soon and felt certain that the subject would come up.

Impressively, it didn't take that visit to the psych for Ricky to realize what had transpired. He apologized this morning and admitted that I was exactly right - that he was slipping and that I'd noticed and identified the signs before he even had any idea. He admitted to getting defensive and going on the attack and offered what seemed to be a sincere apology for the things he said last night.

As unsettling as this whole "almost slip" has been, I am encouraged. Just a few weeks ago, he'd never have admitted to being at fault for anything. He's so much more self-aware now than he used to be. Granted - it took me bringing this to his attention (and an unpleasant "episode") for him to see it - but at least he did. Old habits die hard, I suppose - he's trying to change the way he's seen and coped with things for 40 years...

"Progress, not perfection" - right?

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I have borrowed Rickys' Serenity Prayer and am repeating it to myself (over and over and over) these days...

Things had been going fairly smoothly since the news of his addiction entered our lives. He's been in his therapy - I've been in mine - and we've actually been communicating and getting along better than we have in years. I feel that he has been open and honest with me about things and, as painful as some of that honesty is for me to handle sometimes, I really appreciate it and feel that it has brought us closer.

For the past 10 days, though, he's been withdrawn - talking less, calling less, texting less - more like "the old Ricky" - cranky, distant and non-communicative. The stress at his job has been mounting as well. These things combined concern me tremendously. Am I being paranoid? Hyper-sensitive? We've identified that feelings of inadequacy and the need to "prove himself worthy" at work are definite triggers for acting out. Too - he's admitted that he pulls away as he's preparing to or in the midst of acting out. I just can't shake this feeling...

Ethel (my therapist) reminded me this morning that I cannot be and am not responsible for his recovery. She recommended that I (as non-acrimoniously as possible) mention my fears and worries to him and let him know that I'm here if he wants to talk. I plan to do just that.

The Porn Police

I am not the "policing" type. That's not to say that I have never been - I certainly wouldn't have been above "snooping" or checking up on a boyfriend while in, say, my early 20's. At almost 40, though, it's just not something that I want or have any urge to do. I don't want to check his phone. Or his computer. Or make him account for every penny he takes out of our bank accounts.

I have told Ricky that I have no desire to be his "porn police". I want him to stop the destructive behavior he's been participating in for so long - without a doubt. I want him to stop because he wants to, though - not because he's afraid I'll find out or that he'll get caught. My wish for him (for us) is that he be healthy, strong and courageous and that he take care of the heartache and dysfunction that is inside of him so that he no longer is tempted to give into the addiction.

I realize, though, that accountability is part of recovery from a sexual addiction. Ricky and I have decided on a few things together...

• He will bring home copies of hotel bills when staying out of town on business. Paying for pornographic movies while away from home was something he, without my knowledge, spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on over the past few years.
  
• I do not wish, at this time, to put any software on our family computers that blocks material. I have, however, put an accountability program on the laptop used in the kitchen.
  
• He has taken his work laptop to have the hard-drive re-formatted and has traded it in for a desktop which will, obviously, stay at work. (He was bringing his work laptop home and using it to view porn at night after I went to bed - he knew better than to use mine!) Online activities are a big part of our lives and I don't wish to deny him computer use at home entirely so he's volunteered to only use the computer (mentioned above) with the accountability prograrm on it when he needs to.
  

One day at a time...

His, Mine and Ours

I am organized. I prefer order and for things to have explanations, to be rational and to make sense. I like to have a plan. I've had one, in fact, for as long as I can remember.

I have also, over the years of my life, grown to become a believer in the "shit happens" school of thought. I've been forced to accept that things aren't always predictable. Or fair. Or sensible. I have learned that you can take vitamins, visit your obstetrician regularly, eat well, take care of yourself and still end up giving birth to a child who has a neurological problem for which there is no cure. You can meet a mature adult man, spend years getting to know him, believe that you understand and know all there is to understand and know about him, think long and hard about entering into a marriage with him and still end up having your heart, love and trust disregarded and crushed by him 16 years later.

My husbands' sexual addiction was not in my plan.

It is certainly in my life now, though - a part of my every breath, word and thought. I cannot change or erase that fact (as much as I'd like to) so I am determined to deal with it. For that, I have devised a plan. I don't know if my plan is a good one or if it will work - but it is in place and I find comfort (as much comfort a I can feel these days) knowing that it is there.

His - Ricky needs help. He is going to transition from Fred - the MFT we've been seeing together - to a psychiatrist at the same practice. Fred feels that, while he has treated people with sex addictions before, it would be best for Ricky to see a doctor who has more years of schooling, more experience and the ability to prescribe anti-anxiety or anti-depression medications down the road (if necessary). Ricky is ready and willing and can't wait to get started. Thank heavens - as I don't think we'd still be together were he not. He's been informed that his therapy will be multi-faceted - that his childhood (the molestation, abuse etc.) will probably be addressed first. It's finally been acknowledged by him (through the psychotherapy at the SA program) but needs, still, to be dealt with and healthily "put away" in its place. He also has some serious self-esteem/self-worth/self-image issues to straighten out. Coping skills need to be learned and implemented in his daily life and his sexual addiction to be addressed. (An impressive to-do list!)

Mine - I am going to continue to see my MFT, Ethel. Without a doubt, I have issues that need to be addressed. I am working very hard on trying to really wrap my brain around what has happened - the how's, when's and the why's... I have to work on my self-esteem, learning to trust again, ridding myself of anger and resentment... Also, I think it essential that I remain emotionally healthy - not just for my own well-being - but for that of my children. My sweet, innocent little children...

Ours - Eventually (once we have ironed out our individual issues), we hope to enter couples' counseling together. We will need to work on re-building what (I thought) we once had. Restoration of trust will obviously be an important part of our therapy together as will improving our communication skills (empathic listening, outright honesty, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability), improved awareness of individual issues and emotions, forgiveness, dealing with sexual problems, establishing boundaries, improving intimacy (positive interactions, activities together, etc.), reducing defensiveness, and reducing shame.

We have a long way to go but at least we have a plan...

"This has nothing to do with you."

This is an aspect of Rickys' addiction that is proving difficult for me. I have read in numerous places that my husbands' addiction/obsession with pornography, masturbation and "online sex" with other women has nothing to do with me. I have been assured of same thing by him, my parents and by two different therapists (mine (Ethel) and ours (Fred)).

WHY is it so hard for me to believe, though? WHY can't I shake these feelings that I am, somehow, inadequate? Undesirable? Unworthy?

Note to self: bring up (again) at next appointment with Ethel.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've heard this countless times over the years of my life, of course, but it has such incredible significance to me now...

Changes

What a week.

Sunday - After making every attempt to come up with an excuse not go, Ricky did finally pack and leave for his week-long stay at the hospital with the program our therapist, Fred, so strongly suggested would be right for him. As angry and disgusted as I have been with him, I would be lying to say that I didn't feel insanely sorry for him the day he left. I almost felt guilty for putting him through what was obviously very frightening for him. (Absurd - I know.) Ricky called me when he arrived - from his cell phone in the parking lot (the last time he'd be able to use it for a week) - and sounded like a scared little boy. I tried to comfort him. I told him that I was certain he'd feel better as soon as he got in and realized that he was going to be treated kindly, compassionately and respectfully.

Monday - He called me for the first time about 24 hours after he had left. He sounded surprisingly well - admitting that everyone had been wonderful so far. He underwent a physical that first night as well as a handful of various assessments and said that he didn't get to bed until almost midnight. The progran Ricky attended was started by Patrick Carnes himslf and, although he is no longer there, it has remained largely how it was when he left. I was glad to hear this as I have come to respect Carnes and his research tremendously. The 1st full day (Monday) was spent participating in group therapy and individual. Ricky sounded upbeat and said that he felt "understood". He mentioned a few times that the therapists there confirmed how rough it seemed his job was. I had the impression that he felt they were giving him permission to "blame" the stress of his work and the treatment he received from his superior for his behaviors. I wasn't thrilled about this, obviously, but didn't say anything. I have never denied that his work situation is less than ideal but I would've been furious if that was going to be all the $4K we were shelling out for the week was sending him home with. He told me he'd call me the following night. I called my Mother as soon as he and I hung up to lament and she reminded me - again - that the therapists/counselors were probably in getting-you-to-trust-me mode. She was confident that they were just working on building his trust and that discussion of accepting responsibility for his actions would happen eventually.

Tuesday - When Ricky called Tuesday evening, he was obviously upset. I don't think we spoke for more than a minute. He said he'd had "psychotherapy" that day and that it was very rough. He mentioned that "some things were coming out" and he told me that he was exhausted and would call me Wednesday night.

Wednesday - As promised, he did call. He was much more interested in talking - I think we were on the phone for over 2 hours! It was probably the longest conversation we'd had in 10 years. He, rather abruptly, blurted out that he was molested as a boy by a neighbor (older brother of a friend of his). Wow. As angry as I am about what he's done to our lives, my heart couldn't help but break upon hearing this. He told me that he had denied and lied about it all day Tuesday during his psychotherapy. The therapists finally broke him down, though, and it all started coming out. Wednesday was spent working on the details of his childhood. In addition to the molestation, more specific information came out about the brutality he suffered at the hands of his own Father. He'd always told me that his Father was abusive (before he abandoned the family entirely). I've, over the years, heard just a handful of stories. There apparently, however, was much, much more. There was definitely physical abuse but the emotional abuse was apparently the worst. Ricky never felt loved by his Father. In addition, he was ridiculed and made fun of by him - often being compared to children of his Fathers' girlfriends who were more athletic, smarter, "better"... Ricky (and his sisters) witnessed their Mother suffer indescribable physical abuse at the hands of their Father. She apparently even tried to commit suicide at one point and Ricky, being young and not understanding the situation as an adult might, felt tremendous anger at her for this. He grew up with a huge fear of abandonment.

Things changed dramatically for me upon learning all of this. It didn't make my pain or heartache go away, obviously - but it did give me an explanation for why this was happening.

Thursday - We, again, had a very long conversation about the things he was discovering and learning. My head hurt with it all and he mentioned that his therapist told him to try to be cautious about "overwhelming" me with his recovery. I wanted to hear what he was telling me but - it was definitely overwhelming. He admitted to various periods over the past 15-16 years when he had been "acting out" - during my miscarriages, before the birth of our son, during our daughters' infancy, during periods of transition or anxiety at his job... I've never heard the word "masturbation" spoken during a conversation so many times in my entire life. How could I not have known or sensed that this was going on in my very own marriage? He admits to having been an incredible liar. I can't describe the feelings I'm experiencing right now - definite sorrow (over his childhood suffering) and pity (for the vicious cycle he has apparently - unbeknownst to me - been stuck in for so many years). I feel tremendous anger as well - learning that my husband/partner/love of my life was insatiably masturbating to pornography during these periods of stress in our lives - leaving me alone (physically and emotionally) to take care of myself and our family... I want to understand and to know everything - but am I ready for all of this?

He attended his first SA meeting today at the hospital and will attend another one tomorrow. He told me that he wants to continue going when he gets home and I agreed to help him find the dates/times of local meetings.

He seems like a different person. He seems to be whole-heartedly embracing what he is being taught about the addiction. He claims to want to recover and seems to be willing to put forth whatever effort it takes. He has told me that he feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted from him and that I could never imagine how much energy it takes to live a double life. He said that he feels free for the first time in almost 40 years.

Friday - We, again, spoke on the phone for hours today. Much of his time in therapy this week was spent on the issues that surfaced regarding his childhood. As a result, he had just an hour or two of "victim empathy" therapy today. I, of course, would love for him to have more of this. It does sound like the small amount of time he had with it, though, made a definite impact.

He should be home any minute and, for the first time in months, I actually want to see him and give him a hug. I'm very hurt and still feeling angry and anxious, confused, hurt, betrayed and unsure... For the first time in years, though, I actually have a little bit of hope. Even though I fully understand that we have a long, LONG way to go - there is comfort in knowing just what the problem is. Our future completely depends on his recovery but seeing how committed he seems to be to getting better is encouraging.

Revlations Abound

What a week.

Sunday - After making every attempt to come up with an excuse not go, Ricky did finally pack and leave for his week-long stay at the hospital with the program our therapist, Fred, so strongly suggested would be right for him. As angry and disgusted as I have been with him, I would be lying to say that I didn't feel insanely sorry for him the day he left. I almost felt guilty for putting him through what was obviously very frightening for him. (Absurd - I know.) Ricky called me when he arrived - from his cell phone in the parking lot (the last time he'd be able to use it for a week) - and sounded like a scared little boy. I tried to comfort him. I told him that I was certain he'd feel better as soon as he got in and realized that he was going to be treated kindly, compassionately and respectfully.

Monday - He called me for the first time about 24 hours after he had left. He sounded surprisingly well - admitting that everyone had been wonderful so far. He underwent a physical that first night as well as a handful of various assessments and said that he didn't get to bed until almost midnight. The progran Ricky attended was started by Patrick Carnes himslf and, although he is no longer there, it has remained largely how it was when he left. I was glad to hear this as I have come to respect Carnes and his research tremendously. The 1st full day (Monday) was spent participating in group therapy and individual. Ricky sounded upbeat and said that he felt "understood". He mentioned a few times that the therapists there confirmed how rough it seemed his job was. I had the impression that he felt they were giving him permission to "blame" the stress of his work and the treatment he received from his superior for his behaviors. I wasn't thrilled about this, obviously, but didn't say anything. I have never denied that his work situation is less than ideal but I would've been furious if that was going to be all the $4K we were shelling out for the week was sending him home with. He told me he'd call me the following night. I called my Mother as soon as he and I hung up to lament and she reminded me - again - that the therapists/counselors were probably in getting-you-to-trust-me mode. She was confident that they were just working on building his trust and that discussion of accepting responsibility for his actions would happen eventually.

Tuesday - When Ricky called Tuesday evening, he was obviously upset. I don't think we spoke for more than a minute. He said he'd had "psychotherapy" that day and that it was very rough. He mentioned that "some things were coming out" and he told me that he was exhausted and would call me Wednesday night.

Wednesday - As promised, he did call. He was much more interested in talking - I think we were on the phone for over 2 hours! It was probably the longest conversation we'd had in 10 years. He, rather abruptly, blurted out that he was molested as a boy by a neighbor (older brother of a friend of his). Wow. As angry as I am about what he's done to our lives, my heart couldn't help but break upon hearing this. He told me that he had denied and lied about it all day Tuesday during his psychotherapy. The therapists finally broke him down, though, and it all started coming out. Wednesday was spent working on the details of his childhood. In addition to the molestation, more specific information came out about the brutality he suffered at the hands of his own Father. He'd always told me that his Father was abusive (before he abandoned the family entirely). I've, over the years, heard just a handful of stories. There apparently, however, was much, much more. There was definitely physical abuse but the emotional abuse was apparently the worst. Ricky never felt loved by his Father. In addition, he was ridiculed and made fun of by him - often being compared to children of his Fathers' girlfriends who were more athletic, smarter, "better"... Ricky (and his sisters) witnessed their Mother suffer indescribable physical abuse at the hands of their Father. She apparently even tried to commit suicide at one point and Ricky, being young and not understanding the situation as an adult might, felt tremendous anger at her for this. He grew up with a huge fear of abandonment.

Things changed dramatically for me upon learning all of this. It didn't make my pain or heartache go away, obviously - but it did give me an explanation for why this was happening.

Thursday - We, again, had a very long conversation about the things he was discovering and learning. My head hurt with it all and he mentioned that his therapist told him to try to be cautious about "overwhelming" me with his recovery. I wanted to hear what he was telling me but - it was definitely overwhelming. He admitted to various periods over the past 15-16 years when he had been "acting out" - during my miscarriages, before the birth of our son, during our daughters' infancy, during periods of transition or anxiety at his job... I've never heard the word "masturbation" spoken during a conversation so many times in my entire life. How could I not have known or sensed that this was going on in my very own marriage? He admits to having been an incredible liar. I can't describe the feelings I'm experiencing right now - definite sorrow (over his childhood suffering) and pity (for the vicious cycle he has apparently - unbeknownst to me - been stuck in for so many years). I feel tremendous anger as well - learning that my husband/partner/love of my life was insatiably masturbating to pornography during these periods of stress in our lives - leaving me alone (physically and emotionally) to take care of myself and our family... I want to understand and to know everything - but am I ready for all of this?

He attended his first SA meeting today at the hospital and will attend another one tomorrow. He told me that he wants to continue going when he gets home and I agreed to help him find the dates/times of local meetings.

He seems like a different person. He seems to be whole-heartedly embracing what he is being taught about the addiction. He claims to want to recover and seems to be willing to put forth whatever effort it takes. He has told me that he feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted from him and that I could never imagine how much energy it takes to live a double life. He said that he feels free for the first time in almost 40 years.

Friday - We, again, spoke on the phone for hours today. Much of his time in therapy this week was spent on the issues that surfaced regarding his childhood. As a result, he had just an hour or two of "victim empathy" therapy today. I, of course, would love for him to have more of this. It does sound like the small amount of time he had with it, though, made a definite impact.

He should be home any minute and, for the first time in months, I actually want to see him and give him a hug. I'm very hurt and still feeling angry and anxious, confused, hurt, betrayed and unsure... For the first time in years, though, I actually have a little bit of hope. Even though I fully understand that we have a long, LONG way to go - there is comfort in knowing just what the problem is. Our future completely depends on his recovery but seeing how committed he seems to be to getting better is encouraging.

Anticipation

The past few days have been pretty bad. Ricky has - understandably - been full of angst. He has repeatedly said that he's "afraid of what will come out" when (if!) he goes to the recommeded hospital for treatment. I've read that a large number of sex addicts (as much as 80% according to some reports) have a history of some type of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional) in their past. He has shared with me, over the years, stories about his Father who was occasionally prone to violence but mostly an emotional abuser. I've, as sensitively as possible, asked if he thinks there's a possibility that there is some type of sexual abuse or molestation in his past. He insists that he doesn't think so. He claims that, if there is, he must have "buried it" or "blocked it out" because he has absolutely no memory. Both of us agreed that, as horrible as such a realization would be, it would be almost comforing in a way - giving some type of reason or explanation for why he has allowed such a thing to take over his life. What is the alternative? If no explanation or identifiable "cause" is found, wouldn't he have to just admit that he's a creep who got turned onto pornography and let his obsession with it get out of hand - to the point where he started to ignore his wife, children and life in general?

He is coming up with every reason in the world not to go for in-patient therapy. I understand the fear - neither of us know much about psychiatric hospitals. (He has visions of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest in his head!) We've both spoken with people at the facility, however, and everyone has gone out of their way to be kind, understanding an respectful. I don't know how I'd feel or what I'd do if he decided not to go...

Definition

According to Dr. Patrick Carnes:

"Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment.

Sexual addiction has been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict's life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addicts' lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.

No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape, and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors."

I am still in shock. Less than 30 day ago, I was certain that my marriage was falling apart because of an emotionally and physically absent husband who placed his work before me and our children. That seems preferable, honestly, to what I am faced with now.

I've been reading and learning almost obsessively. Before the "diagnosis", I was looking into pornography addiction initially but am concentrating my research, now, on issues related to sexual addictions. Part of me wants - needs - desperately to understand why/how this happened but part of me wants to just take my kids and run away in an attempt to avoid the inevitable heartache I know I'm going to have to go through.

A World Turned Upside Down

I am emotionally drained. Where to start? During our therapy session with Fred today, we jumped right into the results of his assessment. He went over (with Ricky's permission) his answers to the questions posed. It was determined, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Ricky is indeed a sex addict. My head was - is - spinning with the news. I realize that the term is a general one defined as a "progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts" but, considering the fact that Ricky hasn't had sex with me (or anyone else, if he is to be believed) in close to a year and a half, the diagnosis seems a bit of an oxymoron.

Fred, without hesitation, suggested an intesive 5-day treatment program a hospital. Wow. Even I didn't realize the seriousness of this - it never occurred to me that in-patient therapy at a psychiatric facility might be warranted. Wow. Ricky is obviously scared (in shock, I think) but, thankfully, seems willing and eager to do what Fred is recommending.

The last half of our session was spent discussing the incredible importance of ensuring that all evidence of pornography is removed from Ricky's place of employment immediately - file cabinets, computers, cell phone... He continued to rationalize, minimalize and outright lie about the danger involved in having that stuff at work. He doesn't (or won't) see the risk! The fact that he isn't acknowledging and admitting that frightens the hell out of me. He made numerous (pitiful) attempts to try and convince us that everything was under control - that his magazines had always hidden/locked up, cache cleared, website history deleted, etc...

I decided that it was time for him to hear that I have been putting forth serious effort to either 1.) find myself a job or 2.) enroll in schooling that would give me a skill set which could help me find work. I hoped that this would help him to realize how serious this was for me as he has always known how strongly I feel about being a stay-at-home-Mom to our children. He was shocked. He is the kind of person who has always prided himself on being able to support and provide for his family. Realizing that he has (again) jeopardized that and realizing that his wife has felt forced to take the necessary steps to guarantee our family would have a means of support (if/when he lost another job) really threw him for a loop.

Feeble attempts were made this evening to talk about what transpired this morning. I find him - despite the fact that his secret is out - to still be immersed in unbelievable denial. He is also very hostile, defensive, agitated, angry and more than ready to blame me for this problem we now face. I recognized quickly that, due to my nature, it would be all too easy for me to fall into that - believing that somehow it is my fault that he has done this. I ended all conversation on the topic and told him that I feel it would be best if we keep discussions to a minimum until after he's entered treatment and has benefitted from some counseling.

I feel like I'm living in someone else's life right now.

Assessment

Ricky met with Fred tonight to do the "assessment". Fred told us that he would meet with Ricky alone for it as some of the questions may be embarassing and he wanted to make sure that Ricky was as comfortable as possible to answer honestly and openly. I understood but admittedly was curious so I did some research online. I found Dr. Carnes' SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test) and a Sex Addiction Self Test and figured that one of these (or some variety/combination of them) was what he was given.

Ricky was nervous beforehand and just as nervous, frankly, afterwards. He was given no clues about what his answers provided and it was agreed that we would go back together to see Fred and discuss the results on Friday.

So Many Questions...

I have so much I want to say to Ricky - so many questions. I'm hurt, angry, confused...

When did this start? How long has he been into it? Did this have anything to do with the demise of his 1st marriage? I know that his 1st wife had an affair - but did she "step out" because he ignored her and started pleasuring himself after their son was born? Were there signs I missed? Could/should I have known? When did the porn viewing at work start? What is he thinking doing it now - after knowing what getting caught doing it caused him and our family to go through back in 1999? Does he get a kick out of the risk and/or danger of it all? Has he ever met any of the women he has met online in person? Has he had intercourse with anyone else? Did he ever think about how unfair it was? How I felt being ignored for years wondering what was wrong with me to make my own husband not want me? About what it would do to my trust and self-esteem when I found out? How it would destroy our marriage? Did he ever plan on coming out about it or was it something he just intended to do secretly for the rest of our lives?

I'm just not so sure a person could do this to someone he really loved.

So many lies - so much hurt... I desperately need to understand this but I am bound and determined to be the big person in all of this. It's hard to find the balance - I need to remain sane but I have to fight the urge to just sweep it under a rug (again) and ignore it because it's too painful. I want and need to know everything. I cannot change what has happened. I need to accept it and work hard to stay emotionally healthy for my kids' sake as well as for my own. They need at least one healthy parent. I also need to think long and hard about their livelihoods as their Father, in my opinion, is not. I am resentful at having to think about going back to school, getting job-training and gaining employment for myself but accept that it is important and completely necessary now. He agreed to take care of us yet his selfish actions have put his ability to do so in tremendous risk - AGAIN! How could he do that? Could porn be that great? I wonder if the pleasure he's received from it all of these years is worth the pain, grief and heartache it has caused.

I know I have a right to speak about what this has done to me but I don't want to hinder any chance he may have at recovering. I fear that hearing from me may send him into a tailspin - running back to the very thing that has torn or lives apart. For now, I guess getting it out here (and to my therapist Ethel) will have to suffice.

Full Disclosure

Ricky and I had a bit of an argument tonight about the "materials" he admitted to have been keeping at work. Fred and I both - 3 days ago - stressed to him the importance of bringing them home immediately. I asked him about it tonight as he'd made no mention of doing so all week. He claimed to have thrown them away in a dumpster at work. I was upset as we'd agreed in the meeting with Fred on Monday that fully disclosing everything about his problem was going to be an essential part of any chance at recovery we have and he said he would bring them home. He backtracked when I mentioned this and asked me if he wanted me to go get them.

"I thought they were in the trash?"

He then asked if I wanted him to go buy more so that I could see what he was looking at.

"Are you kidding me? Did you really just say that"

He then said that there were only 2 or 3 magazines but in a conversation yesterday, he claimed to have been buying Penthouse (and half a dozen other magazines - many of which I'd never heard of) every month as new issues came out.

'Where are they?"

Who knows what to believe at this point - every other thing out of his mouth is a lie. I hate this. I will not accept anything less than the whole and real truth this time. I will never so foolishly and whole-heartedly put my trust in him or anyone ever again. Addicts of other types (booze, drugs) can be tested for sobriety - porn addicts cannot. All I have is his word and, frankly, that means nothing to me anymore.

The Truth Comes Out

The Summer has been busy and I've been less than diligent about writing out my thoughts. A lot has happened since late June...

Couples therapy with Fred has been slow-going. Frankly, most of our meetings (until the one held yesterday) were between Fred and Ricky and almost exclusively about Ricky's work - the pressure, stress, specifics, personalities etc... Almost no discussion about our relationship or troubles has occurred. It's been frustrating but I accept that therapy is slow - a process - and have been thankful that he, at least, has continued to go.

Two days ago, I decided to confront Ricky with the feeling that I had that there was a sizeable elephant in the room with us. I didn't want to pressure him or start a heated converstion about anything. I just wanted to let him know that I had strong feelings that there was something that needed to come out and that I was there to listen if he wanted to open up and be honest. I'm tired of tip-toeing around - knowing that there is something causing this strife but being forced to conjecture and guess about what it might be. I pleaded with him not to lie to me and asked that if there was something that he wasn't yet ready to talk about or admit - to just be honest and state that. He feigned to rack his brain and said that he could come up with nothing. He made a minor attempt to turn things onto me - suggesting that maybe I had some secret and this ended the conversation. I have learned that that is a popular method of his to get the focus off of him and onto me. The rest of the day was quiet and I had the strong suspicion that I had been lied to.

Yesterday, at our session with Fred, the truth started to come out. Oddly, Fred opened the meeting with the same metaphor I used the day before - that he felt there was an elephant in the room that nobody was talking about. He also said that he had a strong feeling the elephant had something to do with pornography. I'll never forget that moment - Ricky started nodding his head in agreement and admitted that it did. Wow. What?! It wasn't a kick in the gut this time like it was back in 1999 - but it was a shock nonetheless. Honestly, for months (years), I have felt that his work was the only thing more important to him than his family - the thing that was keeping him from really being a husband/Father. It's only just been in the past few weeks that I've started to wonder if there might not be a porn or "other woman" problem.

Ricky admitted to purchasing porn magazines and keeping them at work of all places. Good God. I can't believe he'd be so stupid after what happened a few years ago. The selfishness of that just blows my mind - his own perverted interests/needs are jeopardizing his career and ability to support his family - again! He admitted to using sex chat rooms and cybersex on his work laptop but denied using it to view porn movies and/or pictures. I KNOW I don't believe him about that and I didn't get the impression that Fred did either. He admitted to paying for porn movies while in hotels on business trips as well. A few times, he again made minor attempts to blame his lack of interest/desire in me ON me. He said that I wasn't aggressive enough. He said that he didn't look at me the same way he used to after I gave birth to our children (which Fred told him wasn't normal). I was stunned and heartbroken. What an incredible liar and secret-keeper this man - my husband - is. I cried quite a bit (1st time since couples therapy started) and felt myself becoming very angry - angry at the lies, the deception, the selfishness and then the nerve this man has had to, over the years, spend so much time trying to make his problem sound like something that was my fault. I have a feeling that there is more to come out - more admissions of what he's done - and I'm ready for it. I buried my head in the sand back in 1999 - wanting so badly to believe that he'd never do it again and trusting that he was truly sorry about this "one time thing". Realizing that he was adventuring in porn while I was happy - ecstatically - finally carrying our first child was so painful. Perhaps I didn't ask as many questions as I should have and I, maybe foolishly, believed him when he said he'd stop. I suppose I must share a bit of blame in letting this get to the point it has. I don't feel very hopeful about the future. My trust is crushed. My self-esteem has been thrashed - perhaps irreparably. I can't imagine ever having a healthy sexual relationship with this man again. He is a stranger to me. I know that couples have probably recovered from worse but that's how I feel today.

While he has admitted some things, I think denial is still an issue. He is minimizing things - telling me things like "it's not as bad as you think" etc.. He continues to rationalize and minimize things as well.

Fred is going to see Ricky next Tuesday evening to do some type of assessment. I don't know what it will tell him exactly but he told him that it might be embarassing and uncomfortable. I just hope that Ricky answers the questions honestly. He's proven how good a liar he can be and how easily it comes for him. He is so good about saying what he thinks is the "right thing" or what the therapist wants to hear. If he's not honest going forward (no matter how embarassing or shameful he feels about the truth), we simply won't have a chance.

I haven't been able to see Ethel in a few weeks - it's been too difficult to get to her with the kids home for the Summer. I'm going next week, though, without a doubt - realizing that I need help in sorting this (and whatever else is going to come out) all in my head.

Caught?

I went to bed last night - alone - as I do most nights. Ricky stayed up claiming that he had work on the computer to do. About 30 minutes after I'd gone to bed, I had reason to go into the kitchen for something and, when I did, Rick literally jumped out of his skin while at his laptop at the kitchen table - slamming the screen down and appearing ridiculously nervous/guilty about something. I did not question him - I just did what I had to and went back to the bedroom. His behavior/reaction was isanely suspicious and I assumed that he would stop whatever he was doing and come to bed right away. He didn't come in until 3-4 hours later. I didn't say anything and this morning was quiet too. He seemed to have a sense that I may have seen or suspected something and behaved strangely all day.

Had the porn - that he so solemnly swore off - crept back into his life? Had it ever left? Or was he in a chat room? Perhaps e-mailing with a girlfriend? Have I been blaming his work for the distance between us all of this time when the actual problem was another woman?

Love Languages

Last week, I got the book that Fred recommended. I'm reading it and it's interesting but I don't see, honestly, how it's going to help us any. I'm not sure why it was recommended, frankly. I think our problems are 100x larger than "what love language we speak".

Ricky and I went on a 24-hour trip to Santa Barbara (sans children) that was very awkward and not enjoyable for me. We managed to be civil (I have much experience with putting on the "happy face" and pretending like all is well) and the dinner was fine until he flipped out over something that I saw as very minor. He became incredibly angry and hostile and I found myself regretting that I'd ever agreed to go. The tension between us is so high right now. Some days, I feel hopeless that things are ever going to change or improve.

A Missing Piece

I had a 2nd appointment with my therapist, Ethel, today. I told her about the conversation I had with Ricky the night of our 1st meeting and she was very surprised at his reaction - the threats, anger and intimidation. She said it didn't make sense that he'd react that way to the suggestion of therapy but I told her that I thought he just felt like his back was against the wall. She seems to think that there is some significant "missing piece".

I opened up about the lack of physical contact in our marriage (it has been just over a year since we have had sexual relations) and she had trouble hiding her shock. She immediately asked me about the possibility that he may be having an affair. I told her that it had occurred to me (many times - as I lay in bed until 1 - 2 - 3 in the morning waiting for him to return home from "work") but that I honestly don't think he is. I can't imagine him having the time or capacity to maintain a relationship outside of our marriage. I admitted that it's a possibility that he may be having casual sex with someone (no strings attached) - which is obviously bad enough - but I definitely would be surprised to find that he was involved in any type of real relationship. I agree that it's not normal and hard to believe that a healthy, adult man would (COULD) go without sex for that long. I'd be lying to say that it hasn't crossed my mind that he must be "getting it" somewhere. It's so humiliating and painful... Today was the first time I ever spoke outloud about this aspect of our marriage. I have believed for months and years that his lack of interest was either because he was too tired from working or because of me - how I looked, the 15 pounds of "baby weight" I was still carrying around etc...

I've started to share some of these more personal things with my Mom too. I never had until recently - it's so embarassing. I realized, though, that she can't offer meaningful advice unless she knows all of the facts and I desperately need her advice and support now more than I ever have.

Ethel and I briefly discussed what happened in 1999 (the porn at work) and she agrees that if he has a problem with intimacy (which he readily admits to), porn may feel "safe" for him. She feels that making a choice to "have sex" with porn is no different than making a choice to have sex with another person. For whatever reason, I feel like I could file for divorce much more easily if I learned he was having sex with another person - but if I were to learn that he was choosing porn over me, I think I would feel an obligation to give him a chance to get help before I'd do anything to end the marriage. Ethel, however, sees both as infidelity and a betrayal of the marriage and the vows we made to one another. She also talks a lot about making choices and consequences.

She asked me if I'd ever thought about separating and asked if I'd ever considered getting a job so that I wasn't as dependent on him. It's so hard to think about these things... I never dreamed I'd be in a position like this and I hate it.

Surviving Our First Session

Today's appointment with the Ricky and the MFT was interesting - for lack of a better word. I was far more nervous about it than I was my individual appointment. Ricky was late and taking phone calls from his office as we were walking in - no big surprise. The therapist (Fred) asked some basic questions initially about how we met, things that attracted us to one another etc... The meeting quickly became what I called "The Ricky Show". He was personable, affable, friendly... I don't think I said 10 words during the entire hour. He was fairly honest with Fred about some things - admitting to working excessive hours and ignoring the marriage. The only time I felt the need to speak up and say something was when the two of them were talking about why he would never call when he was 3-4-5-6 hours later than he said he'd be. He claimed that he didn't call because he thought I would "yell" at him. I interjected and clarified that I had not "yelled" about him doing that to me (despite finding it horribly rude and disrespectful) for years. He finally conceded that he couldn't even remember the last time I had "yelled" about such a thing.

He also told Fred (much to my surprise) the reasons for a move we made from one state to another in 1999. I didn't expect that - believing it might come out eventually - but not on our 1st visit. In a nutshell, less than 2 months after our 1st child was born, he came home early one Friday - distraught and emotional - to let me know that he had been caught at work viewing "objectionable" (pornographic) webites on his computer. Oh. My. God. I was devastated (as I held our 6-week old baby) and shocked beyond belief. I was hurt and angry as hell too - but there was little time for discussion or arguments. He was given the choice of accepting a sizeable demotion or leaving and we agreed that leaving was the best option. We immediately sprung into look-for-a-new-job mode. He was very apologetic, embarassed beyond belief and seemed extremely remorseful. My parents and I did our best to "pump him up", though, so that he could successfully seek out and gain other employment. He did - within hours - and spent days apologizing to me, thanking me for my support and swearing that he had learned a valuable lesson and would never do anything like that again. I believed him. I had no reason not to. He was my husband. The only explanation he could give me for why he had been doing that was that he was "just curious". Although crushed, I took his word for it and even accepted a bit of blame myself - I had been pregnant for most of the 2 years prior (suffering from a handful of back-to-back miscarriages before successfully carrying our son to term) and assumed that my pregnant and dramatically-changing body just wasn't "doing it for him" anymore. Looking back, I realize that the pain this episode caused me may have been too difficult to really face and I probablyI did stuff a lot of what I was feeling (embarassment, shame, disappointment, anger etc.) down inside.

Upon learning this (in the therapy session), Fred asked Ricky if he was still viewing porn and he emphatically said "no". Fred told us that he was surprised he could quit cold turkey and without help. Ricky explained that he quit smoking the same way and never turned back. I couldn't help but sense that Fred was extremely skeptical about this but he didn't push the issue.

Acknowledging that Ricky probably wouldn't have the time to, Fred recommended that I get a book titled The Five Love Langues by Gary Chapman, read it, give him a "cliffs notes" version of the book and then be prepared to discuss it at our next appointment.

I didn't find the appointment to be terribly effective or productive. My Mom had some input, though, that helped me to feel a little better. She thinks that the therapist is working on gaining Ricky's trust right now. If he really came at him with talk of the workaholism etc. on the first minute of the first visit, there would be a great chance he would never go back. He seemed to think the appointment went well so I guess that is good. Our next visit is on July 2.

Father's Day

When Ricky" opened his Father's Day cards from the kids and me, he was (once again) obviously upset - even gasping outloud after reading mine. He ran to the bedroom and threw it in a drawer. I followed him to ask what was wrong and he tossed the card at me along with one I had given him 5 or 6 years ago. Admittedly, the card from this year was fairly "generic". I had trouble finding one that didn't say Happy Father's Day without saying anything about being "husband of the year". I just don't feel the "husband of the year" thing right now. He was obviously hurt and annoyed and told me that he "gets it now" and that he "sees where I am at". I felt horribly. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings.

This started a dialogue that eventually ended up in a discussion of the possibility of him being a workaholic. I have been researching it extensively and really feel that that might be a problem for him but hadn't yet spoken to him about it. I mentioned the possibility to the MFT we're going to see tomorrow and decided to give him a "heads up" about it in case she brought it up. He didn't deny the possibility but I find that as soon as he admits it, he immediately rationalizes or makes an excuse for why he works so much - definitely doesn't understand the impact such a thing has on the family, either.

Signs of a workaholic: first one at work, last one to leave, brings work home regularly, most social occasions involve work, most "friends" are co-workers, promises to be home in time for dinner butseldom follows through, if vacations are taken, they're work-related or he constantly checks in or checks e-mails, conversations revolve around work, meals (if eaten at all) are eaten at the desk, can't/does't delegate, multi-tasks a majority of the time, over-schedules and over-plans, desires ccontrol and overreacts to change over which s/he has no control, neglects personal needs like sleep, food and recreation, has memory problems, no connection with loved ones...

It's him to a tee! I wonder if he is willing/ready to accept it and to enter therapy...

Progress/

The MFT I was referred to and I finally caught up with each other and we have an appointment for couples counseling on Monday the 18th. I'm unsure as to what to expect - but glad that the appointment is finally set. It's so rotten to feel so uncomfortable in your own home. However this ends up - I just hope to find some resolve and some peace.

My parents (Mom, verbally, and Dad, in an e-mail) have both made it clear that they feel that the marriage needs to remain in tact for the kids' sake. I go back and forth with this one... I have given it a lot of thought but haven't yet formed any solid opinion on the whole "stay together for the kids" thing. Again - just too damn much to think about. How did I end up here?

Tension at Home

Now that things have been brought out into the open a bit, the tension around the home is palpable despite my best efforts to make them seem as normal as I can. I have noticed that, for a few days, Ricky has been making an effort to be home at more reasonable times. (He often does this after an argument about his hours/absence at home but it's always short-lived.)

Even when he is here, the Blackberry is constantly out and the computer is always on. He is doing work in the kitchen every night until well after midnight. Yes - he's been physically here a bit more - but he's not HERE. I'm hesitant to say anything about how I feel for fear that he'll get angry and think that nothing is ever "good enough". I'm desperately trying to get in contact with the other MFT my therapist, Ethel, referred us to for couples counseling. I fear that he will change his mind about going if I getting the appointment takes too long.

Therapy - finally!

The visit with Ethel (my MFT) went better than I expected. She wasn't scary or intimidating. Her office was comfortable and our visit lasted over an hour. She mostly listened and handed me tissues (frequently) when I needed them. It was hard trying to give her an accurate depiction of our 15 years together in such a short time. I chose my words carefully and put forth great effort to be fair and as thorough as possible in the hour and 15 minutes we were together. She was fairly blunt - calling things the way she saw them - which I appreciated. She has no emotional ties to either of us so I guess there was no sense in or need to, on her part, sugar-coat her views. She gave me a paper with information on grieving and explained that people deal with loss (and it doesn't have to be the loss of life - it can be loss of ones' health, self-esteem etc.) in similar ways. She thinks I've gone through the shock, denial, bargaining and anger and that I am at a place of acceptance/coping/managing in terms of the loss of the partner I wanted and thought I had. She made a few points about me being like an "enabler" (making excuses for him etc.).

I asked her if she'd see us together (if I could convince Ricky to go) but she said she wouldn't since she'd already met with me individually. She suggested that we see someone else at her office if we want to go together (or if he wants to go on his own). She and I made another appointment for the 21st.

I broke down in tears and cried to my Mother for what seemed like hours afterwards - telling her about the visit as well as some other things that I hadn't ever shared with her before. She claims that she and my Father are surprised by the suddenness of this and that's something Ricky has expressed to me as well. I guess I thought the people around me knew how frustrated I always was and believe that, on some level, they did - even though I did try to hide it for the sake of peace in the household. Too - with my parents - I admit that I have kept a lot of things to myself. They adore Ricky and, honestly, some things have been just too personal and humiliating to share. My Mom convinced me that there is no need to "rush into anything". She's right - I'm not ready to rush anywhere right now anyway - I'm not even sure where I'd rush to. The only thing I'm sure about is how I feel today. We both agreed that, because of the kids, every avenue should be explored before making any huge decisions. I decided to try and talk to Ricky one more time about the possibility of couples therapy as that is an avenue he's always refused to go down in the past.

After the kids went to bed tonight, I approached him. He hadn't even remembered that I had an appointment with the therapist which was no surprise. I didn't tell him everything about the visit but just let him know that I went and was planning on going back. He seemed very threatened by that. I asked him his thoughts on going himself or going with me. He struck out at me immediately - becoming, again, visibly angry and aggressive - telling me that I can do whatever I need to but that "his kids will be living with him". I wasn't sure where he was going with that - I was talking about counselling and he was talking about custody - but he continued on stating that "his kids" would stay with him and that he would not be a visitation Dad ("every other weekend/every other holiday"). I felt very threatened by the tone in his voice - it was obvious that he was angry and - again - my instinct was to just shut my mouth and drop it. When I questioned how he'd raise them when he is rarely home, he said he'd easily "hire someone to do it". I cannot lose my children and my skin crawls at the thought of him threatening to take them from me. My first thought was that if that is the way he was going to play this, I would have no choice but to continue internalizing my unhappiness and drop this. My kids need me and I am confident of that. My gut (and common sense) tells me that he couldn't take them from their Mother (who has done nothing but love and care for them every minute of their lives) but he has power and money and I have nothing - that's just a risk I cannot take. The conversation went on for 2 hours and was emotionally draining and exhausting. He also informed me of a few other things that will forever stick with me. When talking about what we need from each other, I expressed that I have, for more of our marriage than not, only felt needed for domestic/household things - laundry, chores, cleaning, caring for the kids etc.. He let me know that he doesn't even really need me for those things at all and that he could and did manage on his own just fine before I ever came along. Wow. He insisted on talking about divorce-related issues (like the custody thing) and told me that I'd leave the marriage with nothing more than I came into it with (which would be a car, the clothes on my back and about $2,000 in credit card debt). He stated a number of times that things would "get ugly" and that HE is "the one who has owned all of the houses we have lived in". I kept trying to steer the conversation towards therapy, however, and did - in the end - get him to agree to go. He doesn't think that he needs any help - but he agrees that the marriage seems to be in trouble and that maybe therapy will help me figure out what my "problem" is and why I'm not happy. He tried to hug me in the end and, again, convince me that he's going to do whatever it takes but I have to say that the things I perceived as ugly and threatening regarding the kids and finances did not endear him to me much. Hugs are difficult for me at the moment. I went to bed feeling empty, scared, hopeless, trapped and unbelievably frustrated...

STRESS

The anxiety I'm experiencing over my upcoming MFT visit has been tremendous. I do not know what to expect and hate that.

Workaholic?

I asked Ricky if maybe writing about our feelings and what is going on might be more helpful than talking. He said he wouldn't mind if I wrote to him - didn't give me the impression that he's interested in doing it himself, though. He claims (right now) to want to work things out - that he'll do whatever it takes. I'm not sure there's anything he can do, though, and - frankly - I've heard this from him before - many, many, many times. At the moment, I just can't imagine my feelings changing. I'm not convinced he really wants to work things out either - regardless of what he says, it's hard to believe that the unhappiness I feel is one-sided. If he really wanted the marriage/relationship to work and loved me the way I feel a husband should love his wife, wouldn't he have already put forth the effort? He claims that I have his attention now and that he's going to "be better". He has made comments about not being happy in the past - he's even mentioned divorce on more than one occasion - but maybe he just isn't ready to fully "own" it yet. (Lord knows it took me a long time to realize/admit the possibility that this may not be working anymore and that our relationship may not be as great as I wanted everyoe to think it was.) I think he may be more upset at the thought of another divorce than he is at the thought of actually losing ME.

I know he cares about me and I know he loves our kids but I really feel like he might be happier without the constant demand of family life. I actually could see him enjoying more quality time with the children if we were apart than he does now. He and I might even have more productive discussions if we were apart. I cannot count the number of times he has tuned me out after the first few seconds of a conversation or how many times he has asked a question and then changed the subject or left the room before ever hearing my answer. Even when he's physically here, he's not emotionally here... There is an obscene disconnect in our relationship. He is often on his Blackberry or his laptop and when we do get a chance to talk, it is almost always about his work. He rarely shows any interest in me personally - my life, my feelings, my friends... When I have expressed that to him, he has has made (temporary) efforts to start asking questions but I just don't get the feeling that the interest is sincere and it feels forced and uncomfortable.

His work is his #1 priority. That was a tremendously difficult and painful realization I was forced to come to a few years ago. I wouldn't be suprised if he were actually officially a "workaholic". From what I've gathered from reading about it, people who are place work above all other things in their life - their family, loved ones and even their own health. I found this on a Q & A about workaholics from a MFT online and thought it interesting:

"Although it may be true that your husband is not having an affair with another woman, the reality is that he is having an affair with his business. All of his energy and vitality are focused on this area of his life, leaving little to nothing left over for the marriage.

Your husband needs to know that you need his EMOTIONAL as well as physical presence. Let him know that you do love him but that the marriage is not giving you the sustenance you need from a primary relationship.

Being "married" means that you must depend on your partner for certain things that you agree to not get from anyone else. This includes sexual intimacy and a certain emotional connection that is unique. Naturally, there is much room for defining what kind of marriage you want and while it is true that it is unrealistic to depend only on your partner for all your emotional needs, it is primarily for reasons of emotional nurturance that people marry.

It is time to confront your husband with the fact that marriage, like business, requires effort. If he does not wish to be married, that is his prerogative. But if he wants to remain married, he must come to terms with the responsibilities inherent in a marriage. A relationship needs attention in order to stay alive. Like any plant that you may have watered regularly for years, once the watering stops, it will inevitably wither. And there does come a time when the opportunity for revival is past and death is inevitable."

Ricky claimed yesterday that he knows the hours he works and the attention he gives to his job are excessive - but that he "only does it for us". I've also read that workaholics often do this - try to place blame for their work habits on their spouses and family. I had to call him on that. Yes - he is very conscientious about providing for his family - he always has been. There is no question in my mind, though, that his work ethic would be no different even if we weren't around. It is just his nature. Period. He is intelligent and has good business sense and a strong feeling about what is right in the workplace - his career is very, very important to him. He'd work the hours he does now if he worked at a gas station!

Hitting The Wall

Talking about the state of our marriage hasn't worked for us much in recent years - Ricky hasn't been terribly responsive and I always end up feeling un-satisfied and frustrated. After years of feeling like I was talking to myself/banging my head against a wall, I suppose I closed up and started keeping my unhappiness about the state of our marriage to myself or sharing my feelings with others - girlfriends and/or my Mother. This obviously worked for him - he didn't have to hear or listen to me and I, although annoyed, was able to at least vent somewhere and still keep up with what I felt was my duty to maintain the "happy appearance". Unfortunately, I fear that years and years of this has done considerable damage to our relationship.

For whatever reason, I now feel as if I've hit a wall and am no longer wanting to live this way. I decided it was time that we try to discuss things so I approached him after breakfast today. He became instantly hostile and aggressive. He was visibly upset and claimed to have "flashbacks" of when he and his 1st wife split up. I hate causing him pain like that - but understand it - there are some similarities in our complaints. He has admitted to being emotionally and physically absent with her as well. (For reference - she claims that that absence "forced" her to seek out attention from another man and subsequently have an affair which ultimately ended their marriage.)

I am of the opinion that being married is hard - it takes more than just love for a union to be healthy, happy and successful. He openly admitted that he hasn't given our marriage the effort it deserved and that he has taken it for granted. It was satisfying to hear him acknowledge that (something I already felt to be true) but it doesn't change where we're at right now.

I am not angry. I've certainly been angry in the past but I feel strangely not angry now. I am not trying to change anyone. I understand and accept Ricky for who he is. I am just not sure that who/what he is is something I will be happy spending my life with. That is hard for me to actually admit outloud. I am struggling with the whole happiness thing - is it selfish to want to be happy? Or, because of the steps I've taken and the vows I've made, is my responsibility to be wife/Mom and put my needs/desires aside?

Ricky suggested, at one point, that maybe I "need medication". I was offended at first (feeling the comment to be snide) but did give it some consideration - there is some depression in my family. I honestly don't think I'm depressed, though. I get great joy from my children and experience happy moments all day long - in my friends, music, hobbies... There is just one area of my life that makes me feel sad and/or anxious. I love Ricky and care about him but feel that we have no connection. I feel as if I'm more of a cook/maid/childcare provider than a wife or friend. I don't like feeling the way I do - I'm just being honest. I don't want to cause him any pain. When I feel like he's upset or hurt about something I've said, my first instinct is to just stop talking and clam up. I've been doing that for years, though, and it's not working for me. I'm a people-pleaser. I never want anyone to be mad at or upset with me. I worry that I could be the kind of person who would stay in an unhappy marriage just so as to not upset her spouse, parents or friends.

I think I have a fairly good understanding of what has happened in our relationship - it is not hard to look back and see what has transpired over the years. I just know that I can't go back and do anything about it. All I can do is deal with the present. My feelings are what they are.

We talked a bit about blame. I don't place blame on anyone or anything - like I said before - I have sadness in my heart but no anger. I'm sure there are things he could've done differently in regards to our relationship and I have no doubt that I've made my share of mistakes. I can't berate myself for not pushing harder for therapy when he didn't want to go or for internalizing things even when I had strong suspicions that they'd find their way out eventually. I wouldn't want him to be angry at himself for anything either.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go at this point. I'm definitely going to keep an appointment I made with a marriage/family therapist (MFT) though. Perhaps she can help me sort things out in my head.

Intro and Background

I am a woman in my mid-30's who has been married for over 10 years. I have 2 elementary-aged children. My husband, Ricky, and I met when I was in my early 20's - we dated for 6 months before moving in together and were married 3 years later.

He had been married once before but this is my first marriage. We have a bit of an age difference - something that was an issue for him at the beginning of our courtship but never for me.

I've always felt that we were compatible. I'm organized and perhaps a little bossy and he is mellow and has always been confident and tolerant enough to handle someone with a strong personality who is happiest when she has things "under control". We share many interests and have similar life goals, morals and beliefs.

I'd always dreamed of being married and having children. I have an education (receiving my Bachelor's degree before I was even old enough to consume alcohol (legally, anyway!)) but wanted nothing more than to successfully carry the job title of WIFE and MOM. Our wedding was beautiful and the first few years of our marriage, wonderful.

There has only ever been one real thing that we have argued about and that is the amount of time Ricky spends at work. I respect that he has, what I've always termed, a 'strong work ethic'. His Father abandoned his Mother (and their 5 kids) and Ricky watched her work 2 jobs in an attempt to support her children. I know that providing for his family (something his Dad neglected to do) is extremely important to him. I have always tried very hard to be understanding of the various corporate positions he's held and the resulting responsibilities but have felt that he carries things too far and doesn't have reasonal boundaries. He is never able to say "no" to work and constantly places its importance above that of his family. He can (and often has/does) put in 60 hour weeks Monday-Friday and still feel the need to go in over the weekend. We have rarely taken a vacation that was not work-related or didn't include his Blackberry, laptop or cell phone. I have never been able to rely on him to get home when he says he will. He regularly, once he realizes that he's later than he said he would be, will not call me and/or ot accept my phone calls when I make them in an attempt to locate him. This, of course, has only added to my frustration and feelings of disrespect and rejection. I can't count the number of nights I've prepared dinner to be ready at the time he promised he'd be home and have ended up throwing it out or putting it in the refrigerator 2, 3, 4, 5 or more hours later when he didn't show up for it. I'm not generally one to just shut her mouth and not stand up and speak when she feels she's being treated poorly and I've definitely made my feelings known over the years. I've tried talking about it rationally, crying, yelling, begging, pleading, bargaining - nothing has changed his behaviors, though.

I don't feel angry but I am sure that I have issues with resentment. I've come to accept that he values his work/career more than me and my children - but it hurts nonetheless. I have often felt that I am "settling" - accepting less from my marriage than I feel I deserve. I suppose I rationalize it, though, by telling myself (and everyone else) that he is a good person and he is "just working". It's not like he's out at the bars or running around chasing women etc...

The fact is - we have 2 children. We married and made what I see to be a very important commitment to each other - for better or for worse. I have tried to talk to him about the things that make me unhappy (which I simply don't see as healthy - for him personally or our family/marriage) and he constantly wavers between saying that knows I'm right and that he'll try harder and saying that he's not doing anything wrong. Who divorces their husband and tears apart their family simply because he "works too much"? Over the years, it has just become one of those things that I have "accepted I cannot change" and I have made conscious efforts to try to get over it and direct my efforts towards raising my children.